Many high street shops have gone out of business in recent years. Why do you think this has happened? Is it a positive or negative development?
Individuals have been consuming household items at stores in high street since the dawn of time. Most outlet stores in high streets were are used to be considered as the only place to buy necessities in the past. However, a great number of shops has disappeared nowadays. Some think it has a more bright side but others argue that it is not an effective measure for the public. In this essay, I will identify both viewpoints and offer my perspective on this matter.
Initially, there are loads of reasons why minimizing business in high street brings benefits. (이 문단의 경우 ~의 장점을 다루는 게 아니라, ~에 대한 이유를 적어주셔야 합니다. 즉, Why do you think this has happened? 에 대한 답변을 해주셔야 해요. 물론, 지금 이어지는 내용 자체는 다 맞는 말입니다. 장점이지만 동시에 원인도 될 수 있어요. 그렇다고 해도 지금 포장지가 잘못된 상황이므로 이에 대한 수정은 필요합니다. 비유를 하자면, 치킨을 주문했는데, 피자 박스 안에 치킨이 배달되어왔다고 보시면 돼요.) First and foremost, online shopping is significantly growing and workers in particular are usaully overwhelmed by too much workload, they don’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) even spare time to go shopping. Therefore people seek to purchase goods in an efficient way, which allows individuals to buy whatever by clicking one button. Besides this, internet Internet shopping lets us to consume even more carefully. Meaning, a great deal of details and trustworthy information are on website and reviews that written by other shoppers, it encourages to make a wise decision.
Although the benefits of cybershopping are is huge, there are several cons that we have to take a tackle it. Firstly, the rate of unemployment has been largely increased and the scale of retail community has been minimized due to online shopping. In addition to this, high-priced goods should be checked in person beforehand to avoid refunds. Furthermore, the general public should go shopping to apartment stores where usually provide expensive commodities.
To sum up, various fields of business turns to online platform lately since the development of technology. It highly supports people to utilize time efficiently but it also can be unfavorable for some cohorts that are not used to be online.
(292자, 목표 6.5입니다! 10월 말에 첫 시험을 앞두고 있습니다. 시간은 안 재고 작성했는데 40-50분 정도 걸리지 않았나 가늠해 봅니다. 다음부터는 시간 철저히 재고 첨삭 부탁드리겠습니다! 감사합니다)
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사실 지금으로써도 잘 쓰인 글은 맞습니다. 그러나 치치님의 실력을 고려했을 때 7.0은 받아야 할 글이 포장이 잘못되어서 6.5로 떨어지니까 조금 아쉽긴 하네요. 치킨은 치킨박스로 포장해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)