▶ Your Answer :
Children definitely will be our future, and teaching children in an appropriate way can be beneficial for the next generations’
society. <Need coherence> While some people argue that children should go to extra classes after
school, others believe that children should play some activities rather than
study. <(run on sentence. 너무 많은 내용/문장을 연결성/정리 없이 한문장을 써주셨습니다. 또한 글쓴이의 의견도 introduction에서 부터 clear 하면 더 좋습니다)
On the one hand, some parents argue that
further classes after school help children’s academic performance for sure. As the
children revise and review subjects which they learned from school, they can
easily understand what teachers explain at school. For instance, certain
students may need an extra study because they might <(might what?) under comprehensive than
other classmates while they are learning in class. Clearly, mathematics and English
subjects are taught by private education institutions to help children understand the subjects better more
understandable. Consequently, students can confidently engaged in class with
having a low level of stress than before, and their academic performance will be
better.
On the other hand, it is true that children
spend a great amount of time with studying today. Some people think that they
are still young, and that they do not have to focus on only studying something instead
of going out to play sports. An illustration of this is, performing physical
activities can help cognitive functions for learning as children’s brain are
awaken as they are keep moving. Thus, their brain will be performed effectively
later. From this, although their academic results may be lower than others who
studied a lot, the children, who do play activities outside with friends, can have
an unforgettable childhood. Therefore, at this age, children should have more
fun moments rather than studying from further classes or with private teachers at
home.
In conclusion, children can get higher
academic outcomes if they go went to the extra classes after they finish school the
class, but I think that the most important thing is letting them to have
beautiful memories at this stage.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. Collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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