▶ Your Answer :
It is overwhelmed that the modern society has situated <(situated what?) at the significance of the unpaid community service in high school programmes. There is an ongoing heated debate that such as community service should be one of the compulsory subjects. In this essay, I disagree with about the argument and will pose this controversial phenomenon with applicable supports.
To begin with, on the one hand, proponents of choosing free community activities as a compulsory part, have several facts. As the first, high school students can acquire useful experiences, while they join these community activities. Following that they work for a charity, by having a good have relationship with neighbours and helping other young children, they will learn some kinds of lessons and wisdom of life for the coming future when they become a member of society. Secondly, by selecting community service being compulsory, from the societal perspective, there are many benefits. To be specific, if high school students take care of their town in spite of a short-term, old people can person get diverse helps during emergency situations or boring daily situations as well as a charity does not need to spend a lot of money for hiring employees, but for the needy. <(글쓴이의 의견을 묻는 질문이기 때문에 다른 사람의 의견 보다는 글쓴이의 의견을 써주시는게 좋고 글쓴이는 disagree한다고 해주셨기 때문에 그에 대해서 서술을 해주시면 됩니다)
On the other hand, myself included, unpaid community service should not be necessary for high school compulsory activity. The main reason is that it might invade a student's right and freedom. In other words, it is undoubted that they have rights to decide what they want to do, even though there are some advantages on attending community service. Furthermore, there are other important programmes to learn such as mathematics, science, language, and history, especially for high school students who become independent soon and will take crucial exams. This activities related to a community is more suitable for the younger or the older students who does not need to study hard instead of a volunteer, having much time.
To recapitulate, taking into account both sets of arguments, I am of the belief that the unpaid community service has some merits for high school students, but it should not be a compulsory program due to their right rights.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 opinion essay 보다는 discussion essay 처럼 들립니다. 글쓴이의 의견을 묻는 에세이기 때문에 다른 사람의 의견은 안써주셔도 됩니다. 써주시되 그 내용을 반박을 해주셔야합니다. 또한 conclusion 에서 taking into account both sets of arguments 라는 문구도 discussion을 해주신 것 처럼 들립니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |