Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
As modern society is getting diversified in many aspects, people are facing situations where they have to make a number of decisions. Even for children, there are situations where they should choose something. Some people deem that if children make their own decisions in daily life, the society will be crowded with people who do not care about others' opinions. However, others think that they have to make choices for themselves, if the issue is important for their life. This essay will articulate both argumetns and express my opinion.
First of all, people who worry about the society which would be full of people if they kids (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 시작되어서는 안 됩니다.) have made their own choices since they were young, believe that making their own choices would become habit so it will not change if they grow older. As a result they tend to behave only for their interests, not considering others' thought. For example, a child is allowed to pick out a drink in the market so he buys a chocolate milk because he loves it. Although his family or his (생략해주는 게 낫습니다.) friends do not like chocolate milk, he buys it for the reason that he does not consider others' preference because his age is not enough old to do that. (문장을 장황하게 썼네요 중간에 끊었어야 됐는데 저도 모르게..-> 이정도까지는 괜찮습니다. 여기서 더 길어지면 곤란해질 수도 있지만요.)This habit does not change if(if가 아니라 even when이 더 적절한 것 같네요 -> 더 적절이 아니라, 후자'만' 적절합니다.) he grows up and the society will be full of this kind of people if their guardians do not intervene with the children's decision process.
On top of that(그러나의 해당하는 접속사를 넣었어야 됐네요 ㅠ-> 맞습니다! 해당 접속사를 넣어주시면 돼요.), there are other people who believe that children should make their own decisions to enhance the ability to think for themselves. They argue that the role of parents or teachers is help(to help했어야 됐네요 ㅠㅠ->여기도 맞습니다!) children to have great judgment skill so if children (children은 동의어가 많습니다. 잘 활용해주세요!) are under situation that they have to make choices, they could make right decision for the situation. This is the most important skill when they grow up and become an adult in the future. If children are well trained to choose the best thing for any moment without others' help, they could have more confidence with which what they could do whatever when they grow up.
In my opinion, it is important for children to have an ability to think for themselves and make decisions for themselves. Being an adults means they are not dependent on their parents anymore and live a life only with their capability. To become this kind of man, children should be educated to make choices for themselves since they are young. However, children are not mature so sometimes, they could make decisions not considering their friends' or family's opinion. Children also need to be trained to care for others' opinions. We are not living alone. Thus when the children make choices that only consider their own interest, their guardians should teach the importance of coexistence with other people.
시간 : 38분
목표 : 6.5
감사드립니다 항상!
총평: (6/5/6/7) 6.0
다른 부분에도 문제가 없는 건 아니지만, 지금 제일 중요한 걸 여러 번 강조드렸는데 아직 지켜지지 못하고 있어서 이것만 말씀드리겠습니다.
문단을 구분할 때에는
1. 엔터키 두 번
2. 엔터 한 번+탭 한 번
중 하나만 골라서 해주셔야 합니다. 저는 일단 1번으로 수정해드렸고요. 원문은 1과2가 짬뽕된, 이도저도 아닌 상황이므로 반드시 체크해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)