This chart show high school graduation rates in Mexico, Portugal, and Luxembourg across the four-year period. (이렇게 쓸 경우 4개년이 아니라 4년으로 해석됩니다. 고로 구체적인 연도의 추가가 필요해요. 제일 좋은 건 아예 기존 표현을 빼고 from 2005 to 2011이라고 쓰는 겁니다.)
Overall, it is clear that graduation rate in high school in Mexico slightly increased, while the graduation rate in Luxembourg decreased. Meanwhile, the high school graduation rate in Portugal rise rose from 2005 to 2009, before falling between 2009 and 2011.
Looking at the chart more closely, one can see that Luxembourg had the largest proportion of graduation in high school at 80% and about 72%, respectively in 2005 and 2007. However, it is overtaken by Portugal where the percentage of the high school graduation remarkably surged from 70% to approximately 95% between 2007 and 2009. Although, in Portugal, the proportion of graduation decreased by about 10% (지금은 수학시간이 아니기 때문에 뺄셈을 할 필요가 없지만, 나는 굳이 빼야겠다 싶으면 퍼센트포인트를 붙여주셔야 합니다. 이에 대해서는 총평에서 링크를 넣어드릴게요.) in 2001, the ranking of graduation rate remained the same. Mexico experienced almost a 10% (여기도 마찬가지입니다.) increase of graduation rate in each years peaking at over 50% in 2011, whereas Luxembourg showed a consistent falling rate across the 4 years, reaching the lowest point of 60% in 2011. The interesting to note is that Mexico's graduation rate was persistently ranked third during the period, even though it experienced a persistent (바로 앞에 같은 표현이 있으므로 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.) increase.
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
대부분 문장들이 the ~~ of ~~로만 이루어져있기 때문에 안정적으로 7점 이상이 반드시 필요한 경우에는 반드시 문장 구조 자체를 어느정도 다양화해주실 필요가 있습니다. 이러한 패러프레이징은 모범답안을 많이 보셔야 어느정도 익힐 수 있고요.
퍼센트포인트 관련해서는 밑의 링크를 정독해주세요!
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_method&type=url&uid=486596
수고하셨습니다 :)