People think that some countries can be both economically successfully and clean their environment, whereas some of them disagree. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this statement?
In recent years, it is debatable whether some countries can achieve both economically growth and environmentally preserving conservation. Some people say that it cannot go together while others think economically success and keeping the environment clean can be achieved at the same time, which I also agree on and I believe so. In this essay, the reasons of the statement will be addressed.
First of all, since some people think economically successful should be operated by manufacturing which causes pollution, economical increasing and environment cannot apart from each other. (이거 쓸 필요 없습니다. 이 대신 However 이하를 늘리는데 더 집중해주세요~만약에 However 이하를 충분히 늘리고도 심심해서 뭘 더 쓰고 싶으면 이 문장을 쓰셔도 무방합니다만...지금은 그런 상황이 아닙니다.) However, there are many ways to accomplish without causing pollution such as promoting service industry. The service industry is one of the major business that not really related to the environment.
Secondly, even though the countries themselves successfully develop their economy with pollution develop successfully economically with pollution, the environment can be cleaned up with citizen’s efforts such as an eco-campaign promoted by the government. In addition, the citizens can participate in the environment movement to clean their environment. For instance, encouraging paper usage to reduce plastic consumption and promoting public transportation to decrease carbon emission can be one of the practical ways that people can support easily.
To sum up, it is debatable whether financial growth and a clean environment can be developed together or not. Some people are concerned that it cannot be completed together but I believe that it can be fulfilled together because there are many other ways such as service area that not cause the environmental problems and even though the successful economic growth has environmental problems, it can be resolved by the government and citizen’s efforts.
총평: (5/6/7/6) 6.0
본론 첫 번째 문단은 사실상 없는 문단으로 봐야 합니다. 저 문단만 어느정도 정확히 작성되었으면 당연히 6.5는 받고도 남아서 조금 아쉽긴 하네요. 문단의 핵심인 service industry의 promotion과 관련해서 지금보다 훨씬 더 구체적으로 작성해주셔야 하고, 그 이후 시간이 정 남으면 파란 부분을 넣으셔도 무방하지만, 여하튼 현 시점에서는 더 중요한 것에 집중해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)