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<Topic>
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The two (기존도 틀린 건 아니지만...) illustrated
two bar charts outline the comparison between graduate and postgraduate students
in the UK work in four different employment types (실업은 employment 타입이라고 보기에는 무리가 있어서, 여기의 경우 적절하지 않습니다.), excluding full-time work
in 2008.
By and large, the figures of students who
continued their academic courses depict the highest in both charts and that
of voluntary work was the lowest.
Of the
chart of graduates, while nearly thirty thousand (이렇게 쓰셔도 되고, 30,000으로 쓰셔도됩니다. 대신 그걸 글 내내 유지할 수 있어야 하는데. 밑의 경우는 다 아라비아 숫자로 표기되어있으므로 여기도 그렇게 해주시는 게 좋겠죠. 뭐가 됐든 꼭 통일은 해주세요!) students decided to study
further after graduate, the number of students conducted voluntary works is almost
one-tenth of that of further study. Students who were employed as part-time
workers and not employed show almost the same figure, 17,735 and 16,235 respectively.
Moving
to the postgraduate students’ employment state, although the similar trend is
mirrored in this chart, the number of graduate students is around tenfold as
high as that of postgraduate students in total. The figure of further study is
the largest, 2,725, whereas that of voluntary work stood at 345, the lowest. It is worth
noticing that the number of postgraduate students who continue their study is
closely followed by that of work as part-timers, 2,535. With regard to unemployed
students, graduate students are nearly ten times more than that of
postgraduates in the column. (이 문단은 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
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[ 198 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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7/9.0
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7/9.0
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솔직히 이번 글은 정말 맘에 안드네요............ ㅠ
더 열심히 하겠습니다, 선생님.
감사합니다.
총평: 이번 글은 조금 아쉽긴 했습니다. 물론 다른 학생들 평균과 비교하면 여전히 압도적으로 잘 쓰인 건 맞지만요.
마지막 문단의 경우 10분의 1이 두 번이나 나오는데, 어차피 4항목 중 3개는 학부생과 10분의 1 차이가 나므로, 그걸 아예 하나의 문장으로 묶어서 처리해주시면 됩니다. 그러면 분량도 아낄 수 있죠. 또한 학부생 쪽과 가장 큰 차이는 바로 1,2번째로 높은 항목 간 수치 격차인데, 이걸 구체적으로 반영해주시면 돼요.
수고하셨습니다 :)