■ DirectionYou have 20 minutes to plan and write your response. Your response will be judged on the basis of The quality of writing and on how well your response presents the points in the lecture and the relationship to the reading passage. Typically, an effective response will be 150 to 225 words.■ QuestionSummarize the points made in the lecture you just heard, explaining how they cast doubt on the points made in the reading

Topic ▼
Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature.

Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.

It it is common belief that financial problems cause crimes. However, others firmly believe that there are other reasons that lead to crimes such as a (관사 관해서 헷갈리시는 경우, 논제에 있는 표현이면 그걸 그대로 따라해주시면 됩니다.) person's nature. This is because, some people who have other innate attitudes to social rules can violate the law.

On the one hand, some experts argue that a person's economic status can affect the occurrence of crimes. This is because, poor people are more likely to commit crimes in order to make a living. For example, in Korea, increasing cases of crime committed by disadvantaged people has been serious problems. They commit crimes, such as theft, because there are no other ways to maintain livelihood. This result shows that an individual's economic situation should have has (should have 는 한국어로 치면 약간 '~해야 할 것이다.' 의 어조로 해석됩니다.) a negative impact on the prevalence of crimes.

Nevertheless, others claim that a person's nature causes crimes. That is because (위의 본론 문단과 비슷한 구조로 이어지고 있으므로 가능하면 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.), the criminal's inborn way of thinking can influence on (on 이 들어가려면 have an influence on~~ 이 되어야 해요.) their behaviour. For instance, people called the sociopath Sociopath, known as people who have different mentality naturally, should commit many crimes because they have different viewpoint about rules and laws in society that people must follow. As a result, they commit crimes (여기도 가능하면 대체해주세요.) such as murder regardless of their economical status. These people are the example that personal characteristic is directly related to the crime.

To sum up, While while it is apparent that there is a direct relationship between poverty and crime, it is undeniable that other causes such as personality can also affect on the occurrence of crime. Therefore, various causes of crime are considered to lower the crime rate. (범죄율을 낮추는 것 관련해서는 논제와 아무런 상관이 없습니다.)

Total Score: 6.5/9

Comment ▼
이번 글은 조금 아쉬웠네요. 우선 반복되는 표현이 꽤 자주 보이는 편입니다. 동의어나 생략, 대명사 등의 활용을 적절히 해서 글이 단조로워지지 않도록 신경써주세요. 그리고 결론에서 드러난 것과 같이, 논제에 있는 사항에만 주목하고 딱 거기서 끝낼 수 있어야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)