▶ Your Answer :
Compared to the
past, the recent modernised technologies have helped all the various ways to help
education. However, it can cause destructive damages to young children
psychologically. This essay will discuss both sides of the issue before reaching a
reasonable conclusion.
There are several
advantages of having a technology device in classrooms. Firstly, it promotes
independent learning. By learning through technologies, students can learn on
their own without assistance of their parents and teachers. Also, students can
be able to find their own learning styles. All the lessons are available within
the modernised machine so students can learn at their own pace. Secondly and
lastly, the technology contains massive resources. The need for heavy books to
be carried back and forth from school and home is no longer needed. Carrying
the heavy books is no longer needed. Since massive information is stored within
the computer, which has more data than any national libraries have. <(sentence fragment).
Despite all those
advantages such as encouragement of independent learning styles and acquirement
of massive resources, there are huge disadvantages to children the
psychological issues such as addictions and crime. The primary issue is that
children are easily get distracted. With the modernised technological device,
children have a high probability to use that device for the entertainment than
of education. This will lead to bad studying habits as well as a high dependency in studying. Since the
internet contains a massive information, there is a are high probability of children
to be a computer dependent by finding answers through the internet, even the
simple questions. Thus, this can lead to the potential addictions. <Need better coherence> By continuously interacting with computers, children would have a difficulty to draw
a clear line between the virtual and real world. This could create an illusion illusionary image in children's eyes as a part of virtual world making them to
commit a crime.<(not clear/need to explain more)
In conclusion, it
is clear that technologies have enabled the educational system to be beneficial to young
children to improve their learning styles and being independent. However, I
believe that the drawback of such a technological device is too fatal for young
children and worry about the potential side effects in the long term.
Therefore, this device should be controlled and managed by schools and parents
so that they can prevent children from the addiction.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 서술이 충분히 안된 부분이 있습니다. Illusion 때문에 crime을 commit한다는 점이 이해가 잘 안됩니다. 또한 주제에서의 new technology 꼭 computer를 말하는게 아닙니다. 글쓴이의 에세이에서의 technology는 컴퓨터를 이야기 하는 것 처럼 conclude가 되는데 주제의 new technology 는 컴퓨터 외에 projector/mic/smartboard/등등 이 될 수 있기 때문에 technology 로 independence 을 배우거나 own learning style을 알게 된다는 것은 조금 clear하게 바로 들리지는 않습니다. 오히려 컴퓨터 라는 점을 clarity 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 하지만 컴퓨터 외에도 classroom technology가 많이 있습니다. 문법상 글 쓰시는데에는 크게 문제는 없어 보이십니다. 그 외에응 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |