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In modern society, people have different opinions on central shopping centers. It seems to offer many convenient facilities and affects positively to local economy systems. However, it has more negative effects on our society than benefits. For example, the big shopping centers ruin the local economy systems, preventing people visiting local stores as well as destroying the environment. <(앞에서는 affects positively to local economy systems라고 해주셨기 때문에 조금 contradicting하게 들립니다) This essay will outline the negative effects of big central shopping centers and present some reasons. <(negative effects of big central shopping centers를 outline 해주신다고 해주셔서 마치 negative effects에 대해서만 서술을 해주실 것 처럼 들리지만 benefits도 서술을 해주셨습니다.) (Need better transition) To begin with, central shopping centers have grown a lot. There are many facilities as well as many shops, so, people can enjoy spending their time. There are no doubts that it makes people spend money more and it seemingly increases the local economy systems. Also, there are many large parking lots. Thus, people can bring their own cars without any worries to park. Central shopping centers bring many convenience and advantages apparently. However, the central shopping centers can lead to many drawbacks. People usually bring their own cars visiting the shopping centers. Many cars emit harmful exhaust gas in the parking lot. For example, NOx and SOx which have has negative effects on not only on humans but also the environment. In addition, because of the increasing the number of central shopping centers, people rarely visit local markets and shops. It causes an unbalance between big companies and small local stores in the economy. Overall, in terms of, the development of central shopping centers, it increases both people's lifestyle and economy systems, but, it has more disadvantages. It disturbs the development of the local economy, bringing lopsided development and causes a the polluted environment ultimately.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 내용상 Cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 콤마 사용에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |