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<Topic>
Many
high street shops have gone out of business in recent years. Why do you think
this has happened?
Is it a
positive or negative development?
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It is true
to say that a lot of shops have disappeared on the street and the online business
became the most significant field in the retail industries. Personally, I
believe the benefits of online shopping trend far outweigh offline shops’ declination.
In this essay, merits and downsides of the disappearance of offline stores will
be discussed alongside my point of view as to the reason for this trend. (본론에서 언급되는 순서로 수정해주시면 됩니다. 즉, 이유가 먼저 나오면 돼요.)
After
the Internet started to dominate the world, we were able to see the
tremendous development in the Internet shopping services as the online business
conveys innumerable merits to customers and merchandisers. One reason is that
online shopping mall business can be begun in a the small office or own garage
so sales agents are able to save their rental fee. Subsequently, they can invest
their surplus to better the International parcel delivery, faster courier
service, design the website attractively and so on. The other reason is that current
pandemic enhanced non-face-to-face businesses. According to researches, the
explosive growth of the Internet shopping and online grocery delivery
services is observed and it is one of the most remarkable phenomena in 2020. Those online sales
markets have ramped up their revenue at least 300% more than that of the last
year. Hence, convenience of the online shopping and developed services rendered
it as the inevitable situation.
Nonetheless,
even though the internet shopping trend brings numerous positives impacts on human
beings, some people say that there are several disadvantages that we came across
so far. While employers can make more income by opening an online sales shop, many
employees who work for customer service became surplus labor due to the nosedived
face-to-face guest assistance. Thereupon, the unemployment rate has jumped up
and it is now a prevalent concern of many nations. What is more, as customers
are not able to see and check products in person (이게 들어가야 의미가 100% 정확해집니다.) before they decide to purchase, the
number of refunded or exchanged items has flared up compared to that of offline
shops.
To conclude,
although some people think that closing of the street shops causes negative effects
and online shops has its drawbacks such as the escalated unemployment rate, I
firmly convinced that running online business convey by far more upsides to customers (초록색은 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) and businessmen due to the exceptional convenience and efficient way of
shopping.
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[ 382 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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7/9.0
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6/9.0
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감사합니다.
총평: 깔끔한 어휘+문법 덕에 점수는 받아가겠지만, 내용은 수정이 필요합니다. 논제를 고려했을 때, 지금 글에서 꽁치님께서 수행해야 할 작업은 두 개가 있습니다.
첫 번째는 본론1에서 ~의 이유를 밝히는 것이고, 두 번째는 본론2에서 과연 이게 긍정적인지 부정적인지를 적어주시면 되는 거죠. 전자의 경우는 잘 해주셨는데, 후자에서 문제가 있었습니다.
분명 본론2에서는 부정의 얘기를 하고 있는데, 결론의 초록 부분에서는 장점이 더 많다~라고 적어주셨죠. 이럴 경우 통일이 되지 않습니다. 따라서 본론2를 긍정으로 바꾸거나, 결론의 입장에서 '부정점이 긍정점보다 더 크다~' 라고 적어주셔야 정확히 통일이 가능합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)