Some people think that punishment is necessary to help them (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다.) learn distinction because it is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. In my opinion, I disagree with this belief it because merely telling them right and wrong in words is enough and a trauma could be made because of the punishment, especially the strong ones.
It is enough to tell them (여기도 서론과 마찬가지입니다.) which is right or wrong behavior. For example, when the children accidently break a cup which is not bought yet, their parents would teach them that even it is an accident, you must say sorry and pay for it. By telling them which is wrong and which is the right thing to do before or after the behavior they did, children could learn that responsibilities are always followed behind all the behavior that they did. Also, they gradually make the border between right and wrong on their own.
Moreover, the strong punishment could give a trauma to the young children especially to an early age children (이 단어는 동의어가 정말 많은 축에 속합니다. 잘 활용해주세요~). Because they are young, they cannot think briefly enough to separate the difference between right and wrong. Thus, it is natural that children act something wrong. When parents or other adults just give punishment to them without any explanation, children don’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다. 다른데에도 다 풀어주세여!) know the reason why they got punishment. It could be the cause of getting trauma to act something from their parents.
In conclusion, I don’t think that punishment is necessary to help young children to learn the difference between right and wrong. Having a conversation about their behavior is better than the punishment without conversation that can give trauma to young children.
총평: (7/6/6/7) 6.5
바로 전 글의 경우 이번 글은 문단도 잘 나뉘었고, task2에 대한 요령은 충분히 있으신 편이라 그래도 6.5-7.0 선에서 괜찮을 겁니다. (내용상의 문제가 있긴 한데, 사실 이건 지니님의 문제라기보다 애초에 논제 자체의 질이 별로 좋지 못해서, 저도 따로 말씀드리지는 않을게요.)
대신 글 전반적으로 반복되는 표현들이 조금 있는 편이으로, 여기에 대해서만 주의해주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)