목표점수는 6.5 이구요.
올해 11월 첫째주 시험보는 것이 목표입니다.
시간은 40분보다 조금 덜 걸린것 같습니다. 단어수는 283단어 입니다!
There are disagreements about whether art and
music classes should be compulsory subjects at school or not. Even though there
are people saying that art and music must be learned at school, I personally
believe that it doesn’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) necessarily has to be mandatory because it can be
additional stress to students and their parents.
First
of all, art and music classes should not be compulsory classes because it can
lead to negative impact on students. The students (벌써부터 너무 많이 쓰이고 있습니다.) these days have a lot of
schoolwork of other academic subjects - such as math, second language, and
science, and if the school force them to be creative and make art work or play
an instrument, the stress they get would pile up. For example, the students in
South Korea are so busy with their academic studying, they get stressed out. (이거는 그냥 앞에서 했던 말을 '대한민국' 이라는 고유명사만 붙여서 그대로 반복하는 것에 지나지 않습니다.) It
clearly shows that additional mandatory subjects would be negative to students
themselves, since it can add more pressure to students.
In
addition, making art and music classes compulsory can burden the parents by
having them to buy art supplies or musical instruments. Since the supplies for
art classes and musical instruments are quite costly, the parents of students
who have to have their supplies and instruments may not be such thrilled about
mandatory art and music classes.
In
conclusion, the idea of making art and music classes compulsory subjects has
the opinions to agree and disagree. But (이런 거 서론에 있으니까 안 쓰셔도 됩니다. 분량 채우기에 지나지 않으므로, 그냥 이거 쓰는 대신 본론을 보완하는데에 집중해주세요!) I personally think that it should not
be mandatory but be optional for the students who want to learn art and music
and find their talents. By making it must-take-class, it will have negative
effects on both students and parents by giving them more stress and burdens.
감사합니다!
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
아이엘츠 라이팅에서 제일 중요한 건 '덜' 틀리는 거고, 그러한 관점에서 봤을 때 이 글은 아주 좋았습니다. 반복되는 표현들이 종종 있고, 내용이 그렇게 깔끔하게 갖춰진 건 아니지만, 문법에서 덜 틀렸기 때문에 6.5는 충분히 받으실 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)