▶ Your Answer :
In contemporary society, people have different opinions on investigation of the space field. Some assert that it has no benefits, because, it requires a prohibitive amount of money. However, others believe the investment on space technology affects positively to the future lifestyle in both the science and economic field. They believe it will be able to lead to a convenient and valuable lifestyle. This essay will discuss both advantages and disadvantages of exploration space field and present some reasons. On the one hand, space exploration is crucial for our future lives. If we develop this field, it can discover the new science field that will be able to offer many job opportunities. There is no doubt that it can affect not only to the science field but also the economic systems, solving unemployment problems. Also, development of space field leads to the healthy and convenient lifestyle for our future generation. We will be able to go to space to travel and to live through the advanced space technology. It is clear that the Earth is too polluted to live. <Need better cohesion> People can detect another planets in order to live instead of the polluted Earth. On the other hand, some assert that space exploration has many disadvantages. It costs an astronomical amount of money. People believe that the public cannot gain enough education or health services due to the investment of space exploration. According to the recent report in Korea, the government spends ten times the expense of health services on that of space exploration. They believe development of a healthy lifestyle is a ultimate and direct welfare for people.
Overall, space exploration can lead to many advantages both economically and technologically for our future generation offering place to live and job opportunities. However, some people cannot gain enough welfare. This is because, the government spends too much limited budget on the exploration of space technology.
Score: 7 Comment: 내용은 좋지만 전체적으로 내용 연결성, 즉 coherence and cohesion이 떨어집니다. Cohesion device를 조금 더 사용을 해주시면 coherence가 더 좋아질거라고 생각을 합니다. 문법상 글쓰시는데에는 크게 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |