The given bar chart illustrates the change of UK telephone calls(minutes) in 8 years from 1995 to 2002. These calls are categorized into three types: local, national and international, and mobiles.
Overall, it can be seen that local calls account for the highest portion, followed by national&international and mobiles. However, local calls started to decline in usage (이렇게 정확하게 적어주셔야 합니다.) since 1999, while that of national&international and mobiles steadily increased. Eventually, the gap narrowed significantly in 2002, the last year.
Taking a closer look at the graph, one can see that local calls first started at about 70 billion minutes and hit a record high of 90 billion in 1999. Since then, it declined and returned to roughly 70 billion level in 2002. The national&international-the second highest proportion- began with 3.8 billion minutes in 1995 and increased to 60 billion in 2002. It increased steadily and grew approximately 1.5 times. Lastly, looking at the figure of mobiles, it showed the greatest growth even though it was the smallest percentage. To be specific, it was just 3 billion minutes in 1995, while it recorded about 45 billion in 2002. It is a nearly 15 times increase. These three types of numerical gaps were the largest in 1999, while they were gradually smaller and showed the smallest in 2002. (이 문단의 경우 겉으로 드러나는 문법의 문제는 없습니다. 그러나, 구조 자체가 너무 제한적인 상황이에요. 주어가 죄다 it 중심으로 이루어져있으므로, 구조 자체를 패러프레이징해보세요! pearl님 실력이면 충분히 하실 수 있을 거고, 어차피 7.0을 위해서는 해야 합니다.)
(목표점수 7.0 감사합니다^^)
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
잘 써주셨습니다. 단, 위에서 말씀드렸듯이 마지막 문단의 문장 구조는 되게 제한적인 편이에요. 단순히 단어만 바꾼다고 패러프레이징이 되는 건 아니니까, 문장 구조에 대한 패러프레이징을 잘 생각해보세요! 모범답안을 보시고 다양한 구조의 문장을 익히는 것도 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)