Some people think that only staff who worked in a company for a long time should be promoted to higher positions. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
It is true that promotion helps boost the morale of
employees. While the objective time employees spent in a company is considered as a priority in (어색한 표현 바꿔드리는 겸 msg도 쳤습니다.) would lead to
promotion, I completely disagree with this policy statement because individuals’
skills and qualifications should be primary when employers promote someone.
It has been quite common in the last two decades that some executives tended to prefer to raise employees who have sacrificed themselves and shown their fidelity for the company for long periods to a higher position. Hence, they have rewarded this loyalty with promotion and higher salaries. However, I would like to opine that employers should promote new hires as well in case they have more superior ability that has positive impacts on the organizations than senior employees. (이거에 대해서 훨씬 더 써주셔야 합니다.)
For the reasons described above, I believe that firms need to be changed as soon as possible because it could negative impacts on the firms’ managerial system and reputation. For instance, if some employees see promoted senior employees who have comparatively lower management skills than others, they are likely to complain about the promotion systems and lose their sense of purpose in the organizations. In addition, spending twenty and thirty years for the company does not mean that they are more competent and outstanding than new hires since they could have better skills and qualifications than senior employees and might have years of fruitful experiences acquired in the previous firms. (본론1도 이정도의 내용으로, '연공서열이 고려되어서는 안 되는 이유' 에 대해 하나 더 써주세요! 위에 표시된 초록색은 아무 쓰잘데기 없어요. 굳이 따지자면 서론에서나 들어가야 합니다.)
In conclusion, I believe that employers should consider employees’ promotion based on their performance in the firm rather than the time employees have spent in the company.
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1. 6.5 가 목표입니다!
2. 10월 10일날 라이팅 꼭 졸업하겠습니다 ㅎㅎ!!
3. 외부도움 없었습니다. 이번 지문은 35분정도 소요되었습니다!
* 선생님 '업무성과'라는 것은 어떻게 표현하면 좋을까요?? 예를 들어 '직원들의 업무성과에 기반하여 승진이 이루어져야한다.' 이럴 때요! 제일 대표적인, 대중적인, 무난한 표현으로는 work performance를 들 수 있습니다~양산님도 추석 잘 보내세요 :)
추석 잘 보내세요 선생님~ 항상 감사드립니다 *^^*
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
사실 지금 본론1이 거의 없다시피함에도 불구하고 나머지 영역이 괜찮아서 점수는 벌어갔습니다. (채점관에 따라 6.5까지는 떨어질 수 있습니다.)
두 본론 모두 온전히 '연공서열을 부정하는' 내용으로 각각 하나의 근거를 채워넣어주세요~본론1은 대폭 수정되어야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)