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Some people claim that the installation of public sport facilities is not effective, whereas others believe that, the installation can be beneficial for some people. In my perspective, I leave more weighted <(??) on the other approaches that encouraging people to do exercises than that of the installation of sports facilities.
The public facilities are useful for a specific people such as elders and disabled people. It is convenient for them to use of facilities by easier access. Since their movement is not comfortable, they will not be able to find alternative ways to perform exercises. Therefore, the public sports facilities are a definite benefit for them. <(특정한 사람한테 sports facilities가 좋다 라는 내용 보다는 일반적으로 sports facilities가 어떻게 public health를 improve할수 있는지 그리고 이게 왜 best option인지에 관한 관점을 서술해주셨어야합니다)
(Need better transition)
Many people would not use gym services despite of its fee.<(little unclear. 비용이 있는데도 불구 하고 사람들은 헬스장을 이용하지 않는다 라는 점이 어색하게 들립낟) How many people will use of public facilities?<(formal essay에서는 질문을 하는 것을 추천하지 않습니다) In fact, many public facilities are unused and left abandoned unmaintained. Sometimes the government installed the public sports facilities in isolated places which makes it difficult for residents to use those facilities. In that case, the maintenance for such an infrastructure will be difficult to manage. The installation and the maintenance for the public sport facilities are needed a lot of money, because it involves a lot of labour force. In the case of the public sport-facilities are built at the top of the mountain or in the rural areas, this requires a lot of equipment and labour. If the government spent for other facilities such as more bicycle lanes and public indoor sport areas, it can encourage the citizen's to use of such a facilities and it will solve the problem of maintenance issues. <(질문과 relevancy가 많이 떨어집니다. Maintenance에 대한 문제가 아니라 왜 sports facilities만 만들면 안되고 other measures도 필요한지에 대한 관점을 서술 해주셨어야합니다. 또한 내용상 흐름이 좋지 아니며 문단의 unity가 떨어집니다)
In conclusion, with the installation of public sports facilities will have some benefits to a certain type of people such as elders and disabled people. However, there is a difficulty in managing the maintenance of facilities since the location is impractical. So the government could provide other facilities such as public indoor sports areas to encourage the public to use of that facilities.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문을 잘 대답해주고 있지 않으며 focus/relevancy도 조금 떨어집니다. 주제는 sports facilities를 install 해서 public health를 improve하는 것이 최고의 방법이다 가 하나의 관점이고 다른 sports facilities가 아니라 sports facilities만으로는 안되고 다른 방법도 시도 해야한다 라는 관점입니다. 예를 들어 무작정 헬스장을 만들기 보다는 건강에 대한 교육을 해서 public health를 improve해야한다 라고 하실 수 있습니다. 내용상 전체적으로 transition/coherence에 improvement가 필요합니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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