▶ Your Answer :
Schools giving homework to students is a debatable <(debatable what?).
While it is educationally beneficial to students, however, it is wasting too
much of students' times to do outdoor activities. This essay will discuss
advantages and disadvantages of having homework for students before reaching a
reasonable conclusion.
The only way to make students studying is
by giving homework. By giving homework, students can be able to revise on
studies and learn the theoretical knowledge for the future occupations. The
revision on what students have learned at school, will help them to in remember
the theories by doing homework. So that, Homework allows students to can organise the concept of
study to improve understandability in those that subjects. <Need better coherence> The theoretical knowledge
of lessons is the foundation for the future occupations. This does is not only let able
the students to get hired easily, but also helps them to understand the
practical work. <Need better coherence> Without giving homework, students will never study. Because many students do not have a clear goal,
they cannot think of the relationship between studying and future occupation.
Therefore, making students to do homework is beneficial educationally.
Although homework can be beneficial to get a the job in the future, students will do not have time to do outdoor activities.
Homework will take too much of students' time, so students will not have enough
time to go out and play with their friends. <Need better coherence> The time spent on each homework varies is
vary depending on the subject subjects and the student's ability. Most of children are spending
too much time on homework than other activities. For instance, the average hours
for Korean children to spend on homework are about eight 8 hours per day. This time
is more than the recommendation hours set by the OECD. The time spent to do
homework should be five 5 hours per day, which set by OECD for all country's
children. However, many countries are not bound by such a rule. <(숙제를 너무 많이 한다 또는 너무 오래 한다 내용 외에 왜 숙제를 너무 많이 하게 하는 것이 좋지 않은지에 focus를 더 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 outdoor activities 못하면 어떤 영향이 있나요? 또는 왜 숙제를 매일 시키는 것이 좋지 않은지에 대해 더 reasoning을 해주시면 좋을 것 가습니다)
(Need better transition)
I believe that the health is directly
related to studying so that it is vital for students to perform outdoor
activities. In order to study well, students must concentrate on the material
and the concentration is derived from brain energy. This energy is gathered from a healthy body. A healthy body can be achieved from regular exercises. Also, there
are many children around the world are spending too much energy and time on
homework. Those hours could be used doing sports or leisure activities. By doing
so, students will be much happier. <(이 문단의 내용을 위 문단과 같이 오면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, it is important to do
homework for to children, in order for them to be a part of society. Children can
learn the foundation knowledge by doing homework. However, the exercising is more
important than that of homework, because it can make students to study
effectively.
Score: 6 Comment: 에세이 내용은 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 summarize를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 정리를 해주실 때에 coherence에도 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장별 내용 연결성이 떨어지는 부분들이 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |