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<Topic>
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The
given pie chart depicts the causes of declined land production productive in the world
and the table illustrates the land degradation rate of three main continents on
the planet in 1990 by the depicted reasons in the pie chart.
Generally
speaking, over-grazing is (is라고 썼을 때 절대 문법이 틀린 건 아닙니다. 그러나 딱 거기까지이고, 현실적으로는 shows, depicts 등이 훨씬 정확해요.) the highest ratio in the pie chart. Although over-grazing
in Oceanian land is by far the highest percentage in table, European nations encountered
more land degradation in total than Oceanian countries.
As to the
causes of international land degradation, too much stockbreeding (이정도로 정확할시에는 항목 패러프레이징이 가능합니다. 그러나 실전에서 조금이라도 애매하다싶으면 그냥 원문 그대로 가시면 되고요.) takes the biggest
segment of the pie, 35% and it is closely trailed by deforestation which is 5%points
as low as that of animal grazing. While over-harvest is the third-highest reason,
it shows mere 2% points difference with deforestation in rate. Other reasons
consist of 7% of the chart.
Of land
devastation by the aforementioned three reasons in Europe, Oceania and North America,
European countries came across 23% of land degradation which is the highest
lost in the table which constitutes 9.8%, 7.7% and 5.5 % of deforestation, over-cultivation
and over-grazing respectively. Oceanian nations experienced 13% of land reduction
and it is mainly caused by over-grazing, 11.3%. 5% of land was degraded in North America North America had 5% of land
degradation which is almost one-quarter of worsened European land.
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[ 205 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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7/9.0
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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시간도 부족했을 뿐더러 글이 너무 길어질 것 같아 조언해주신대로 테이블차트는 생략을 많이 했습니다.
감사합니다.
총평: 네 꽁치님, 말씀해주신대로 적절히 버릴 건 버리는 게 중요합니다. 대신 뭘 버리고 뭘 살리냐는 수험생들의 역량에달려있죠. (연습단계에서는 필요시에 제가 그때그때 찝어드리겠습니다.)
대신 표의 내용이 너무 없는데 그걸 억지로 생략할 필요까지는 없습니다. 가령 지금 첫 번째 표는 그냥 있는 내용 다 써주시면 돼요~
수고하셨습니다 :)