People attend colleges or universities for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge etc.). Why do you think people attend colleges or universities?
Regardless of their age and gender, the population of students who apply for tertiary education has been significantly increased nowadays. Each person has unique purpose and aims for different goals. However, some enroll at (혹은 in) universities without appropriate objects. In this essay, I will identify this and share my thoughts on this matter.
Initially, there is a social norm that is required by societies especially in developed countries. (여기서 엔터는 따로 치지 않습니다. 엔터를 한 번만 치는 경우는 그냥 없다고 보셔도 무방해요.)
This typical circumstances of several nations which young adults should be well-educated is are now leading the general public to further study. Additionally, this insists that learning different values by being taught at schools after mandatory education is essential for all. Furthermore, parents are mostly of an opinion that attending higher education is a must that young students should follow even though they don’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) have specific industries that are attractive. Meaning, it triggers a significant number of the youth to drop out at schools and cram for exams.
Secondly, some people are willing to return to further education again while they are working full-time since higher degrees support them to be able to obtain better jobs. In addition to this, numerous white-workers take it into account that being a student carries profitable pros more than making a living, such as improving social skills and make new friends from other regions and countries. (여기는 한줄 정도 더 적어주시면 좋습니다. 윗 문단과 비율을 조절하는 차원에서요.)
To sum up, this phenomenon (이 현상이 뭔지를 can be considered as an effective measure to help people to get out of their comfort zones as well as being challenged in unfamiliar environments. It is my opinion that rather than attending schools without passion and interests. Attaining new knowledge and experiences will drive them to the successful future and great achievements as long as students show vivid purpose for their further study.
283자, (36분간 작성, 이후에 다시 천천히 읽고 몇몇 단어를 수정하였습니다. 목표 6.5. 10월 말에 첫 시험을 앞두고 있습니다. 정말 감사합니다 주신 주옥같은 피드백들로 뼈를 맞아 도움이 정..말 많이 됩니다ㅠㅠ.. + 이건 처음 작성해 보는 유형이라 헤맸던 것도 같습니다. 매일 발전하겠습니다! 정말 감사드립니다)
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
6.5만 필요하시니가 크게 상관은 없다만, 사실 지금 글은 결론만 아니었으면 7.0을 받았어야 할 글이라 조금 아쉽긴 합니다. 학생들이 흔히 하는 실수 중 하나로, 결론에서 요약을 한 다음에 뭔가 부족해보여서 추가적인 제언이나 내 의견을 넣는 것이 있습니다. 그러나 현재 논제는 단순히 학생들이 대학에 가는 이유만 묻고 있어요. 고로 글 내내 그것만 다뤄주시면 되며, 현재 결론처럼 추가적인 내 의견을 넣을 경우 월권행위가 되므로 주의해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)
+치치님은 6.5냐 7.0이냐가 문제이지, 6.5 자체는 무조건 넘기시니까 걱정 마세요~