While having dwelled in the community of the rapid change in the world, people are interested in being self-employed more than working for companies or organisations so that they are able to make their time for them without a permission from a senior and spend the quality time for them to relax and recall their life past. Unfortunately, there are drawbacks of being self employed which I would like to write. (이렇게 쓰면 마치 이 글이 온전히 단점에만 집중하게 된다는 뉘앙스를 줍니다. 단점 반, 이유(장점) 반에 대한 글이므로 수정이 필요해요.)
In terms of the high pressure for people who make the cost of living for their family, they take bigger responsibilities to support their family more than people in a company because they have to deal with the result caused by their own business. For example, if someone stopped working in a organisation to built his own business, it It seems promising aspect at first. However, whenever he wants to try some ideas which would be risky, he cannot make a decision easier than before he did in a organisation because he is afraid of the possible damage caused by this business maybe. Finally, he is only looking forward to going a certain business which is not worthwhile to invest for the stable income. (참고로 이 문단은 통으로 날려버리고 새로 쓰셔야 하는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
Also, when it comes to the economic depression of countries which rely on exports and imports because their countries' territories are smaller than the developed countries. In, in (문장이 조금 길어지긴 하지만, 이렇게 하지 않을 경우 앞 문장이 비문이 되기 때문에 어쩔 수 없습니다.) order to make the countries which depend on trades among other countries active, people should work for companies rather than being self employed because being self employed is hard to contribute the business of exports and imports. People who are is being self employed cannot address the amount of products as many as companies can due to the facilities which companies afford. Eventually, if people are getting interested in being self employed, the country which the people live would steadily get is getting into the economic depression steadily.
In conclusion, people who choose to be self employed rather than to work for a company or organisation could cause disadvantages in their families or their countries.
총평: (5/7/7/7) 6.5
lukas님 실력을 고려했을 때, 당연히 7점 받으셔야 할 글이라서 다소 아쉽긴 합니다. 논제에서는 묻고 있는 것이 두 개입니다. 원인과 단점이죠. 그러면 이를 각각 하나의 본론에 배분해주시면 되며, 지금처럼 원인을 서론에서 잠시 언급만 하고 넘긴다고 해결되지는 않으므로 주의해주셔야 해요. 고로 본론1은 그냥 원인에 대해서만 집중해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)