When a country develops its technology,
the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and
keep them alive. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
There is a disagreement regarding the issue
of whether or not it is useless to try and keep traditional skills and ways of
life in current days due to technology development in technology. Some people assert that we
should preserve conventional skills and ways whereas others disagree with it.
Personally, I support the latter for two reasons. (여기와)
Firstly, it is obvious that as technology
has been developed, companies can massively produce various goods in factories.
Because corporations have reduced the costs of producing, so many products like
foods, clothes were able to be supplied for many people inexpensively. As a
result, the quality of life in people has been improved and absolute poverty
also has been decreased. Therefore, we should invest more money and resources
in modern technology than traditional skills and ways to enhance people’s life.
Second, it is well known that technology
has progressed diverse machines, so many incorporations are using them to make
their products. Nowadays, as a number of factories are automized, so machines
are replacing people and it reduces the costs of production for companies.
Thus, corporations can save a lot of money on laborers, and instead, they can
invest in other areas (여기의 경우 such as 를 통해 몇 가지 사례를 밝혀주시면 더 좋습니다.). Also, machines make less have decreased errors and mistakes when
they make products compared to human beings. Therefore, developing technology
is more beneficial for companies than keeping conventional skills. (여기까지의 두 본론)
In conclusion, I insist that people should
more focus on progressing technology than preserving traditional skills because
it has enhanced people’s lives and is beneficial for corporations in regard to
reducing the costs of productions. (그리고 결론까지, 논점 파악이 '약간' 잘못된 상태인데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
오프토픽까지는 아니고, 표현 자체는 깔끔하기 때문에 크게 문제는 없겠지만, 내용상의 수정은 살짝 필요한 상황입니다. 이 논제의 경우 기술 발전 vs 예전 전통의 구도를 묻는 것이 아닙니다. 기술 발전 자체는 전제가 된 사항이므로 건드릴 필요가 없고, 그냥 옛날 삶의 방식을 살려야 하는지에 대해서만 다뤄주시면 되므로, 이러한 부분에 있어서 주의해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)