It is often argued that music is important to make friends who has have different cultures. I will clearly show why I strongly agree with the statement, since I believe that there are other ways to expand their social network. (파란색 초록색은 서로 충돌하는 상황입니다. 파란색을 disagree로 바꾸면 맞는 말이 되겠지만요. 일단 결론을 고려했을 때 여기는 disagree라고 오는 게 맞으니까, 이에 맞춰 첨삭해드리겠습니다.))
To begin with, there are a couple of main benefits of listening music. First and foremost, appreciating a lot of music can broaden people perspectives. For example, they can be exposed to different cultures thoughts and lifestyles that they have never known before. This is because people can interact and socialized through the sharing their favorite music with other people. Consequently, they can take a quantum leap in intellectual growth and accept diversity which is important in an era of globalization. Moreover, if people have their favorite genre in music, they will get closer other people more quickly. To illustrate, sharing their paly list in smart phone is the easiest and quickest way to expand their social network regardless their ages, races, and cultures. (이 문단은 총평에서 링크를 넣어드리겠습니다.)
On the other hand, despite the positive factors mentioned above, there are some others good way of bringing people in different cultures. First of all, these days a lot of people playing mobile games during their free time. In other words, people can meet various kinds of people while playing during play games. Therefore, they can find their friends easier compared to sharing music. In addition, watching movies are also good way of bringing people. To be specific, rapid social development and globalization are causing of the broaden movies are broadening movie genres. Therefore, regardless their cultures and languages, people can get closer easier when they watch a movie together.
In conclusion, even though sharing music brings about some positive effects, it is clear that playing games and watching movies will be more good way of bringing people. Hence, people should be aware of positive aspects that bringing various people around the world.
(309 word) 6점 목표입니다.
총평: (4/5/6/6) 5.5
이번 글은 평소보다 문제가 좀 많습니다. 대표적인 두 개가 있는데, 이에 대해서 말씀드릴게요.
1. 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 밑에 넣어드리는 링크를 참고해주세요!
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_method&p=3&type=url&uid=471212
2. 링크의 후라이드 양념을 떠나서, 애초에 지금 논제를 고려했을 때 음악 외의 다른 사항을 끌고오는 것은 원칙적으로 허용되지 않습니다. 지금 논제는 '과연 음악이~~를 하기 위해 좋은 방법인가~' 를 묻고 있습니다. 음악이 좋으면 좋다고, 안 좋으면 not good이라고 해주시면 돼요. (후자의 경우 가사 때문에 다양한 언어권의 사람들이 묶이기 쉽지 않다~이런 식으로 작성해주시면 됩니다.) 만약에 music is the best way~~라고 되어있었으면 지금과 같이 반대한 이후에 영화/게임 등이 더 낫다~라고 적어주셔도 무방합니다. 그러나 지금 논제는 그걸 묻고 있는 게 아니므로 현재 글도 적절하지 않고요.
1,2번에 주의해서 글을 작성해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)