The given bar graph depicts the number of student enrolment at the University of Westchester from 1975 and 2024 into 25 years of terms with four categories. In general, both the diversity and the total number of students have expanded.
In terms of diversity, there
were only male students between 1975 and 1899 in the University of Westchester.
However, female students and students aged more than 25 years old enrolled
after 1990. Finally, students from overseas started to enter after 1950. In this
way, the university opened a wide door for the students of diverse backgrounds of students. (이 마지막 문장의 경우 사실 Overview쪽에 조금 더 어울립니다.)
With regard to the number of
student enrolments, male students’ number started from 1,000 (다른데에도 다 이렇게 바꿔주시면 됩니다. 참고로, 네 자리가 넘어가면 쉼표를 넣는 것 역시 문법의 일종입니다. 심지어 지금처럼 표에 쉼표가 없다고 하더라도요.) 1000 of figure reached
its peak between 1975 and 1999 at 15000 and slightly decreased to 14000 after
new millennium. On the other hand, other three types of students’ figure
maintained a steady growth during the given period. Especially, the number of
female students has exceeded that of male students male students’ number between 2000 and 2024 at
15000 of figure. One thing to note on the graph is the speed of increase in international
students’ enrolments. The number of international students was merely 3000
which is a quarter of male students in 1950-1974 term. However, the figure
surged to almost 12000 at 2000-2024 term.
총평: (7/7/7/6) 7.0
크게 문제가 있는 건 아니었기 때문에 어느정도 좋은 점수는 벌어가실 수 있을 겁니다. 특히 두 번째 문단까지는 정말 좋았어요. 저 숫자 표현 정도에만 주의해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)