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Writing 2/07/2020
문제: Some students decide early in life to
pursue vocational careers that involve cooking or baking. For them, it is
better to study their chosen occupations in high school rather than regular
subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many people think that learning special
skills in high school are is more beneficial than learning (바로 앞에 있는 표현이므로 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.) the regular subjects. I
understand that learning special skills has a positive impact on further
profession preparing student to be more equipped with better skills, however, I
do think that learning regular subjects is more crucial. (이 문단의 경우 벌써 learning이 네 번이나 쓰였기 때문에 썩 좋은 상황은 아닙니다.)
Pursuing regular education is important considering
the possible shift in the career later life career. For example, many teenage baseball
players undergo frustration when they have permanent injury. Only targeting one career and not having a backup plan by learning other subjects can be
frustrating when finding a new job in the future with the limited choice of the job
opportunity. In this regard taking the regular course is helpful to widen widening the
choice by being introduced to many subjects which enable teenagers to notice which
subject they are talented and interested in. (이 문단의 경우 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
Secondly learning the regular subject has
social benefits. Knowing information about various subjects such as math,
history and Spanish gives more chances for people to engage in the conversation
which helps to make new friends. Furthermore, research shows that having various
knowledge in different subjects has a significant impact on parents and children’s
affection level. By being able to answer the general questions and helping school
works of their children, parents were able to form formed a deeper connection with the children and
children reported increased trust to their parents.
In conclusion, focusing on one subject for
the future occupation pose benefits in future professions such as
professionality. Nevertheless, considering the uncertainty of the future such
as shifting career and its social benefits, pursuing the regular course is more
beneficial.
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
지금 빨간 부분이 많이 없는 것을 통해 볼 수 있듯이, 표현상 그렇게 틀린 부분이 많은 건 아니었습니다. 어휘의 경우도 다래롭지는 않았지만, 최소한 문맥에 맞지 않는 단어들이 많은 건 아니었고요. 그러나 내용상으로는 약간의 수정이 필요한데, 이에 대해서 말씀드릴게요.
논제에서는 vocational careers that involve cooking or baking 를 전제하고 있습니다. 즉, 글을 쓸 때에도 이러한 전제를 깨서는 안 돼요. 고로 본론 첫 번째 문단의 경우 야구선수에 대한 얘기를 하는 것은 논제의 전제를 어기는 상황을 만들어버립니다. 물론 아예 오프토픽까지는 아니지만, 그래도 논제와 완전히 일치시킬 필요는 있습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)