Studies have shown that children are spending more time watching television and less time doing active or creative activities. Explain why this is the case. Suggest possible measures that can encourage children to participate in active or creative activities.
Sedentary lifestyles are the problem not only of adults but also of many children these days, and the ways of spending time have also been changed. Watching television is now a big/natural 등등 적절한 msg (이거 역시 건드릴 게 없어서 그냥 넣어봤습니다.) part of their life and often causes serious problems while taking away time for other helpful activities. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons for the change and suggest solutions to the problem.
Definitely, the easiest and closest activity that most children nowadays look for can be consuming some television series. They already bring the devices such as smartphones with them to view what they like, and this means that they are always ready to spend time for it wherever they are. This tendency forms habits and can have a potentially negative influence on their health. However, they are too young to (여기도 당연히 필수는 아닙니다.) They do not care much about the health issues and thus can worsen the problem.
Nonetheless, there are possible solutions to the problem of the sedentary life of children. At schools and at home, teachers and parents can monitor the activities that they prefer to do with and without the portable devices and change the environment accordingly to make them not to indulge in less active ones so that they can effectively manage time and build healthier habits while still adopting the convenience of the way (여기는 그냥 adopting a convenient way of~로 가는 게 낫지 않을까요?) of living.
Thereby, children spend most of their time on watching television with their mobiles phones, not for activity and creativity. It might be an easy way of having fun but can be an expensive way of learning the importance of health. More adults should be involved to change the habits based on the good and bad of the sedentary lifestyle that they have already experienced.
Total Score: 8.0/9
TR (Task Response): 8/9
CC (Coherence and Cohesion): 8/9
LR (Lexical Resource): 8/9
GRA (Grammatical Range and Accuracy): 8/9
Comment:
오늘은 웬일로 9번 타자가 아니라 1번 타자이시네요! 밤에 따로 일이 있으셨나봐요~~
+글은 당연히 잘 써주셨습니다.
수고하셨습니다:)