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It has been argued that some individuals find that kids’ activities in their spare time have to be educational. If not, those activities can be a waste of time. However, I strongly disagree with this point of view. To begin with, it does not make sense that leisure activities have to be involved in the trait of education. The literal meaning of leisure activities is to do something whatever I feel like in a given free time for myself to release my stress. No doubt about it, people in the world have numerous different ways to reduce their stress, so it does not matter at all, whether their ways to spend time is doing something for their fun. For example, a gun shooting game, which is unhealthy for their mental, especially young students, according to the professor of psychology at Seoul National University. (참고로 내용상의 문제를 떠나서 얘는 애초에 불완전한 문장입니다. 다시 한번 읽어보세요!) Thus, we do not have to do something relating to education in our free time. Besides, no one has the (a도 틀린 건 아닙니다.) a right to tell people their free time is a waste of time. Individuals can handle their leisure time, which is not yours (2인칭은 구어에 해당하므로, 따로 쓰지 않는다고 생각하셔도 됩니다. 밑에도 다 바꿔주세요!). There could be possible that they feel you try to invade their shelter. In other words, they can misunderstand that you do not let them spend time freely if you cling to your position repeatedly. Furthermore, it can result in severe crimes like murder and violence, which are significantly serious social problems. In short, we make sure to be cautious before saying that way (얘가 뭔지를 다시 한번 상기시켜주시는 게 좋습니다.), which can become an extremely sensitive matter nowadays. In conclusion, although someone’s leisure activities cannot be educational, we should accept their natural features, when it comes to their enjoying ways, which they want to do something in the given free time. (여기의 경우 문장을 두 개로 만드시는 게 나을 겁니다. 문장이 너무 길어지지 않도록 주의해주세요!)
안녕하세요:) 시간은 수정까지 40분 걸렸습니다. 목표점수는 최소 6.5점이고 288글자입니다. 항상 감사합니다:) |