▶ Your Answer :
In regards to atmosphere of a few countries forcing
young students to focus only on studying, there are a few reasons, such as a career-centred
environment and a competitive job market. To solve this issue, I believe school
education teaching young students to keep a balance between their private and
professional lives can be helpful. In addition, companies should also try to
make a working environment caring welfare of their workers. To begin with, the study-focused environment may have been be
caused by rapid industrialization followed by the competitive job market. This
means that people, nowadays, have to prove their capabilities in a certain way
to get a job, and an academic result is commonly used for this purpose. People
are not likely to survive in contemporary society without high academic
achievements. That is why young people are required to give up their leisure
time for their future careers. According to research conducted by Korea
University, the unemployment rate of young population in 2015 is twice higher
than that in 1900. The result shows how competitive our current society is,
therefore, young students are under pressure to achieve a good grade by giving
up extra activities. In order to solve the issue, education regarding the
importance of a balance between personal and official lives from school and
companies can be given. With the education, students can learn how they should
manage their study time, while they can enjoy extra time doing sports, music,
or other group activities. In addition, companies should try to offer the
working environment that respects their workers’ private lives instead of
career-centred environment. Thus, it is clear that young students and employees
would be able to aware the importance of leisure time for children, so that our
society can change. 문제점의 원인으로 지적한 내용과 해결책이 연결되지 않습니다. 심각한 취업난과 경쟁이 고조된 사회에서 여가를 포기하고 학업에 집중하게 되었다고 제시했으므로 이 '원인'에 대한 해결책을 연결해야 합니다. 학생들에게 여가도 중요하다고 가르치는 것은 여가를 즐기는 것이 불가능한 사회환경을 지적한 나의 설명과 모순되고, 직장인들에게 복지를 제공하는 것은 주제인 '학생'과 전혀 다른 대상이므로 해결책이 될 수 없습니다.
In conclusion, in my opinion, our society forces young
people to study more and take rest less because of the competitive job market
created during rapid industrialization. School and company education focusing
on a balance in lives will help our society to change slightly toward better
study environment.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 5 modest user
원인을 제시하고 해결책에 대해 설명하라는 문제의 요구에 맞게 글을 작성해주신 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 현재 제시한 해결책이 원인과 연결되지 않는다는 점에서 글의 coherence를 보여주기 어려우니 다른 해결책으로 내용을 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^ |