▶ Your Answer :
As a technology develops its usage in the military also rapidly increased. Because of the system default issue and hacker issues, the law for the technology used in the military has not been legalised. However, in my perspective, the technological use in a military purpose has more opportunities to protect citizens from any global threat. The use of technology has two massive drawbacks. The foremost disadvantage is the system default. Even the best surveillance systems can be stymied by simple countermeasures like camouflage, smoke and decoys, by bad weather or by terrain like the sea, mountains, or jungle. Drones can fly limited boundaries, and sensors have limited ability to penetrate solid objects like underground base, so they can receive the limited access of information. 아래 문단과 구분한 기준이 불분명해보입니다. 모든 군사목적의 드론을 허용해야 한다고 보는 '이유'를 명확하게 정리하고 그에 맞는 논리 전개를 연결해서 문단을 구성해주세요. 현재 세 본론 모두 맥락 없이 관련된 내용을 나열했다는 느낌이 더 강합니다. Although the vulnerability of technological default can be seen as the major issue, the use of drones in the combat has more benefits. The military can save its labour force by using of drones in the combat. Instead of using the labour force, the drones can be used as a tool to spying the opponent areas. The usage of drone is increased in surveillance, reconnaissance, and general military intelligence. The soldier's life will not be wasted because drones are used for any dangerous cases. These technologies, for example, can be used to observe on North Korean's movement secretly. Drones can gather more information than any human possibly can possibly. Drones have the ability to shoot the opponent without fail from a great distance and without human intervention. Furthermore, drones can be stayed in operation for significantly longer hours of operation without fatigue and it is cheaper to maintenance and purchase. Drones and other military technologies are developing everyday. The worrisome for system default and hacker issues eventually will be fixed. The USA is trying to improve their military information system to be secure from all hackers around the world, while other departments are developing the technological devices to be effective regardless with weather and signal issues. The killing drones, cyborg super soldiers and bomb-disposal bot are the result of improvement of military technologies. Therefore, technological soldiers and armies are near future. In conclusion, although technologies based for all military services would be the target for the potential hackers, the military technologies are developing rapidly and the use is effective, so the legalized use of drones should be permitted.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 6 competent user
군사적 목적의 드론 사용을 허용해야 한다고 보는 이유들로 다양한 내용을 제시하는 것은 좋지만, '왜 그런 주장을 하는지'가 좀 더 명확하게 드러나도록 단계적 구성을 보여주는 편이 좋을 것 같아요. 각 본론이 어떤 요지를 가지고 있는지가 잘 드러나도록 두괄식 문형에 맞게 정리하고 맥락에 맞지 않는 내용은 삭제해서 흐름을 다듬어주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^
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