▶ Your Answer :
As communication skill technology has advanced so far,
there has been significant impact on people's lives.
Some people think that these changes caused many lots of detrimental effects on personal relationships. On the other hand, others believe that
advantages of using telephone and email outweigh disadvantages. However, I disagree with the idea that these
technology influenced our society negatively for several reasons.
(Need better transition) The most significant reason is that no matter
how far we are from our friends, we can contact them anytime by using emails and telephones. This means that in this decade, distance may
no longer matter when it comes to conversation.
As a result, we can keep in touch with our
close friends, relatives and family as well.
Another apparent reason is that companies
can save the time, sending emails quickly. Nowadays, instead of using letters, they
can share information through the emails or telephones.
For example, many contracts could be formed
through a the call or email, which is often used by telemarketing for their sake of
it.
Lastly, getting information is also a considerable benefit of using these technology.
It is not surprising that before we visit
someplace ; museum, concert and restaurants,
we can check the information such as
opening hours, price and location. <(need to elaborate/ specify more)
To sum up, there is no doubt that the rise
of using these technologies has also a negative effect. It may reduce the direct meeting between
people. And this could lead to the isolation in the society due to the lack of
face-to-face meeting.
However, I disagree with the idea that
mobiles and emails decrease the communication between people but we also should care
our interpersonal relationship considerably. <(?)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문은 communication technology가 negatively impact했는지에 대해 묻고 있는게 아니라 less personal 해졌는지 에 대해 묻고 있습니다. 즉, 장점 보다는 어떻게 less personal 한지/하지 않는지 에 대해 서술을 해주셨어야합니다. 내용상 전체적으로 elaboration이 더 필요합니다. 문법상 article/plurality 에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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