Some people think that universities should use their funds to support social activities for students.
Others think that this money should be used to improve the food at university cafeterias.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
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In school, some people think that universities should use funds to support students' social activities. However, I and others and I (이 어순은 그냥 외우세요!) think the money should be used to improve the cafeteria's food.
When students enter university, many students support and join social activities such as clubs. Social activities provide students with mental and physical rest from studying. Students argue that some people should sponsor social activities because they relieve stress through these social activities. For example, when I was in college, my college club activity was a travel club, and it gave me pleasure to travel all over the country every week, and our club was also it was able to make a better trip with the support of the school. which made students and me which made us forget our their studies and relieve our their stress.
On the other hand, most college students actively use school cafeterias. Because, because the school cafeteria is much cheaper than other restaurants outside the school. So (문장을 and but so로 시작한느 것은 좋지 않긴 한데...사실 6.0 넘기는데에는 아무런 지장 없습니다.) many students argue that school restaurants should be improved because they provide students with financial benefits. Because (벌써 세 번이나 쓰였기 때문에 가급적이면 대체가 필요합니다.) if universities provide high-quality food, students can eat on campus and save money. According to a survey of my school cafeteria, more than 90 percent of the students said they were willing to pay more to eat outside if the quality of the cafeteria was poor.
In conclusion, universities may be good for many students to use funds to support social activities. however, in my opinion, it is more effective to improve school cafeterias where students can receive direct financial benefits.
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소요시간 38분 입니다. 단어수가 조금 모자란 감이 있어요..
첨삭 감사합니다!
-> 이정도 단어수면 크게 지장 없습니다 :)
총평: (6/6/6/7) 6.5
Because 등이 연속해서 쓰이는 등 평소보다 표현의 다채로움 관련해서 문제가 많아지긴 헀으나, 그것보다는 시간 단축에 성공한 점이 훨씬 긍정적이네요. 어차피 내용은 6.0 선에서 전혀 지장 없으니까 이번 글도 괜찮을 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)