Due to the drastic improvement in health care, People’s people's life expectancy has been extended. This development allows people to stay healthier and to get clear medical treatment when they are ill. (여기서 엔터는 따로 치지 않습니다.)
However, as people live longer, there will be an increase in population, as the percentage of the elder will grow. This may bring negative impacts, such as financial problems for individuals, and misallocation of resources for the economy as a whole.
To begin with, people need to afford medical treatment for the elderly. Older people usually get sick more easily as they have a weaker immune system. Besides, even though they are still healthy, they need to visit the hospital constantly as they have the potential to get ill easily. (여기와)
This may be very costly for younger generations, as they are the ones who need to pay for those treatments the elderly receive. For example, the cost of simple health screening is expensive, not to mention the cost that of staying one night when the patient is hospitalized. In this regard, people People in their 30s to 40s need to save money for their future.
Rapid development in health care reduces people’s concerns about health. People can receive information about their health easily, because the The steps needed to get proper health care became faster. On the other hand, the impact that it gives to the society as a whole may not be that positive. (여기 역시 마찬가지입니다. 엔터를 한 번만 치는 경우는 그냥 없다고 보셔도 돼요.)
The improvement in medical services may increase the rate of population, as there will be lower death rates. This can lead to a simple economic problem - The difficulty of allocating limited resources. For instance, a limited amount of shelter needs to be shared between more people. More apartments will be built, and more places will be developed, destroying nature.
To sum up, constant growth in medical care can help people to be healthier. However, I believe that the damage to the family and society needs to be considered. (여기는 높은 확률로 문제가 있을 건데, 논제가 없어서 확답을 드리지는 못하겠네요.)
총평: 논제를 올려주셔야 제가 내용상의 첨삭과 더불어 대략의 점수(제 점수는 1도 중요하지 않지만)를 드릴 수 있으므로 다음에는 논제도 같이 올려주세요! 하지만 일단 어휘+문법이 깔끔한 걸로 봐서, 충분히 좋은 점수가 기대되긴 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)