task2 첨삭 부탁드려요.
목표는 7점이고 12월 중으로 시험볼예정입니다.
처음에 썼다가 너무 말도안되고 작성도 안 되어서 한번 다시썼습니다. 그대신 어떻게 쓸지 생각한 시간을 5분정도 빼서 35분동안 썼습니다.
250자입니다.
감사합니다.
Communication and transportation are industries that have been developed the most for several decades. It has made people connect and move to other countries others easier and it eventually has led a phenomenon known as globalization. As an increase of connection, people are able to accept others’ life styles more and more. For example, many eastern countries adopt western countries’ life patterns such as a working, living, culture and much more. (서두가 너무 깁니다. 이것까지는 사실 그렇게 크게 문제되는 건 아니지만, 정작 서두가 긴 반면 핵심인 lead to the total loss of cultural identity가 나오지 않는다는 점은 문제가 돼요.)
On the other hand, these countries First, countries nowadays are gradually losing their tradition due to rapid acceptance of other countries. In Korea, for example, many Koreans accept a western style music and many of them listen to several genres originated from western. Rock, ballad and dance music are the main domain music in Korea. Meanwhile Whereas, many young Korean do not pay attention to their traditional music such as Pansori. Only a few people study and succeed to these music. If the people keep off these music, they would meet their traditions only Internet or TV. Within a few decades, these music will ultimately replace traditional ones replace the traditional’s ultimately.
Moreover, people lose many traditions apart from the music by development of technologies. With the The development of transportation, people willingly go to abroad to experience exotic cultures nowadays. They tend to consider traditional cultures as old and boring. The easier it becomes to move to other cities or nations, the less people would enjoy traditions.
To summarize, the globalization is proceeding rapidly and humans will be connected to each other perfectly someday. Eventually, it will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identities.
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
학생들이 서론을 쓰는데 너무 심취하다가 정작 빌드업을 다 해놓고 핵심을 빼먹는 경우가 상당히 많습니다. 이번 서론에서도 그런 문제가 보였는데, 절대로 핵심이 누락되지 않게 해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)