▶ Your Answer :
The hypothesis of reduction in overseas travelers in the future could bring the negativity to society because it will result in economic depression. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the reduction in international travel before reaching a reasonable conclusion. The reduction in the number of travelers will prevent virus spreading around the world. In the case of MERS, if there were no travelers travelling from the Middle-East area, the world would not suffer from infections. Since viruses are spreading around the nation due to the travelers, so if there are is no travelers, there will be no viruses. The government has to control the nation's viruses and do not have to worry about foreign viruses. <(advantages인 만큼 2개 이상의 장점을 서술해주시면 더 좋습니다) Despite this health benefit, the reduction of travelling will be seriously impact the on economy. Travel related industries will get the direct impact as the travelling downturn. Since there is a high correlation between the number of travelers and the economy of travel industries, if the travel trend is in a downturn, travel related industries will be suffer and will affect other businesses indirectly; all businesses are affected as a whole due to the business relationship. For instance, by having the creditor-debtor relationship between a bank and a travel agency, the bank will get affected by loss of travel agencies. Since each business is linked with each other with a complicated route as well as the whole sector, thus it will impact on the whole economy to depress. In conclusion, such a hypothesis will bring more negativity than that of benefits. The diffusion of viruses around the globe is the advantage for having no travelers, but this which can be solved by the provision of appropriate anti-viruses and the governmental prevention approaches. However, the drawback of economy depression is damaging from an individual to a society as a whole. Companies will not get any profits, because there are no travelers, so they will increase the price of the product to cover their loss. The higher price will force individuals to stop the shopping. <(이 내용은 body에 나오면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시고 2개 이상의 장/단점을 서술하시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다 |