▶ Your Answer :
There are many motivating factors for
people to work effectively, and those factors are vary in on people. <Need better coherence> Therefore, I
believe that money is not the most important motivating factors for people to work.
This essay will discuss that future growth and working environment can be considered
as a motivation factor that is as important as money.
The future growth is the best motivation.
In the case of job seekers, when they finally get the position in the company,
they will never consider of their salary but they will think of how to survive
within a company. <(why? is this true for all?) If any person gets the chance to go up the corporate ladder,
this will be a great motivation factor for them to concentrate on work. For
instance, the junior employees will be motivated by the future growth; they
will take do every chance to go up the corporate ladder. <(왜 future growth가 important한 factor인지에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Another motivation factor is the working
environment. Despite with high incomes/salaries finances, if the working environment is not
suitable, people will not be motivated, because people cannot endure the harsh
environment. In the case of my friend, she got a position as an accountant at
Ernst &Young but due to the harsh schedule (working Monday to Saturday from
8 to 10), she changed jobs the company. <Need better coherence> While she was working at Ernst&Young,
her salary was six digit salary.
In conclusion, the money factor is one of the many motivation factors. Despite the money, if the working environment is not
suitable, then this will not motivate people. <Need better coherence> The future growth is one of the
great methods to be used as a motivation. Therefore, I believe that other factors are as important as money for the motivation.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 전체적으로 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |