Q. Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think that this information should be protected. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
A. It is a common belief that a violent criminal's personal information needs to be hidden to protect their rights. However, there is a more persuasive argument that their information should be revealed for the sake of public benefit. On the one hand, it is argued that it would hinder protecting their rights to unveil criminals' personal information. For example, there are still many cases that the police try to hide their face when criminals are in the spotlight to protect them. (참고로, 이렇게 쓰면 마치 경찰이 가린다는듯한 의미가 되어버리는데, 실상은 피의자/피고인 스스로가 가리는 경우가 압도적이기 때문에 이에 맞춰 수정해주시는 게 좋습니다.) (또한 이 문단은 내용이 턱없이 부족한 상황입니다. 정보 공개로 인한 피고인의 가족들이 받는 피해 등에 대해서 서술하거나 해서 글을 보완해주세요!) Nevertheless, a violent criminal's information needs to be shown in public to secure the public. In fact, to reveal their information would help people try to be more cautious and pay attention to the criminals after they are released from the jails. A good example of this has occurred in my neighborhood in Seoul. All the residents including my family received one a letter which had one rapist's information including his face, name, and address. It seemed that my neighbors became more cautious than before they had got the letter. In addition, making the criminals' information public could play a role as a caution to potential criminals by letting them aware of the chance that their information would also be shown to everyone. While it is apparent that to hide violent criminal's information would be for protecting their human rights, it is undeniable that public security is more important in terms of serious crimes.
(232 words)
Grammar 7
Vocabulary 7
Cohesion and Coherence 5
Task Response 5
이클립스님, 감사합니다!! :))
총평: 이번 글도 일단 6.0이긴 한데, 이렇게까지 떨어진 가장 큰 이유는 엔터키를 하나도 안 쳤기 때문에, 그리고 본론1이 턱없이 부족하기 때문입니다.(250자 미만)
고로 엔터를 두 번 쳐서 문단을 꼭 나눠주시고, 본론1도 위에서 말씀드린 방향으로 보완해주세요. 그러면 못해도 6.5는 충분히 확보되고도 남습니다. 라이팅후후님의 경우 어휘+문법 실력이 어느정도 탄탄하게 다져있는 상황이라, 엔터만 잘 치고 250자만 넘겨도 충분히 기본은 받을 수 있어요.
수고하셨습니다 :)