Some
people are of the opinion that it is best to bring up children in the city,
others, however, believe that children would benefit more from being brought up
in the country. Discuss both views.
It is true that some claim that children
being raised in the urban area has a positive effect to them. Contrastively, others
claim that children should grow up in the rural area, since it could give a beneficial
experience to them.
In On the one hand, some people argue that
children growing up in the urban area could give higher achievement to their studies study than those who grow children who growing up in the rural area. The reason is because Because, there is are a lot of educational
opportunities that for children that are living in the city, which can only be done when could do when only
they are in childhood. Therefore, a number of important schools, national
education institutions, were almost established in the metro cities, as it is
benefit that children being grew up in the city (여기는 어떤 의미로 적어주셨나요? 댓글 주시면 확인하고 수정해드리겠습니다.). It is a very significant
experience to study in an that studying excellent school when one is in adolescence.
In contrast, in the other hand, some argue that
it has a higher advantage that there is a higher advantage when children are being brought up in the rural area than
the city. To be specific, living in these areas allow children to gain creative talent They allow that the children growing up country side have a creative
talent. what growing up rural area means to could enjoy their lives with the
nature As living in the countryside can give a chance to enjoy life with the nature, it can raise which gives them creative abilities more than children rising in the
urban. In fact, there are a lot of artists and writers who were grew up in
urban area, such as great painter Vincent Van Gogh or writer Herman Hesse. It is the nature
that teaches teaching them.
In conclusion, it has both aspects as advantage
and disadvantage that children being brought in the urban area or the rural
area. (이거 대신 윤씨님의 의견을 구체적으로 밝혀주시면 됩니다.)
총평: (6/6/5/5) 5.5
내용은 그래도 그럭저럭 괜찮았던 반면, 표현상으로는 꽤나 문제가 있었습니다. 문법이 불안한 부분도 있었고, children 등 핵심 표현들이 너무 자주 쓰이는 등의 문제가 보이므로, 이에 대한 보완은 꼭 해주세요! 특히 6.0 이상의 점수가 무조건 필요하신 상황이면 글쓰기 공부와는 별개로 꼭 문법+어휘 공부를 해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)