목표점수 : 6. 5
* 저번 질문과 동일한 질문 다른 내용과 형식으로 다시 써봤어요. 너무 감사드립니다 :-)
Some people say that all young people
should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree
with this opinion?
There is an opinion that every young
adult must have a complete schooling until they have reached the legal age. Personally, I completely agree with this statement completely.
Generally speaking, I have many reasons
to believe that attending school until eighteen years of age can give positive
effects to the juveniles. First and foremost, they can learn more. In
particular, in Korea, teens spend most of their time studying in schools and
that results in learning for knowledge and skills because they have new lessons
every day. Also Not just but also, they can develop social skills by having more
chance to spend time with same age group. Last but not the least, they can grow
up to be well-guided. There are not only professional teachers in subjects but
also homeroom teachers who which inspire students and give them good advice.
Another thing to consider is that the
fact the young minds pursuing education until legal age can bring benefits
because it would be good for their total growth and development. To give you (글을 쓸 때 2인칭은 따로 쓰지 않는다고 보시면 됩니다.) an
idea, they can learn valuable skills because the schooling provides
well-rounded education. In conjunction, they would have a cooking skill by doing
hands-on activity or physical health through extracurricular activities. In the
long run, they can be well-cultivated in many ways. To illustrate, I was the
one who did not don’t have interest in speaking English. However, through taking class with
native speaking teacher, I had a lot of chance to speak to the teacher and became
confident to use English.
In conclusion, I strongly support the
idea that youngsters have to get all out learning until the age of eighteen.
총평: 재작성이라 점수는 뺐지만, 시간 내에 외부 도움 없이 이렇게만 쓰실 수 있으면 6.5는 충분히 받을 수 있고, 낮은 확률로 7.0도 괜찮을 겁니다. 고로 행복하자님의 과제는 실전에서도 이렇게 쓰실 수 있도록 연습하는 것이 되겠고요.
수고하셨습니다 :)