▶ Your Answer :
It is argued that schools and parents have
equal responsibility for children's eating habit because the number of children
associated with consuming unhealthy food is on the rise. It is disagreed that
schools and parents are equally responsible for children's healthy eating
habits. <(이 문장의 글쓴이의 문장인가요? It is disagreed라는 표현을 쓰면 글쓴이의 주장 보다는 일반적으로 이렇게 생각이 된다 라고 전달이 됩니다) Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that parents are the main
responsibility on this issue, and secondly discuss the fact that schools does
not have enough time to control all students' eating habit.
Parents have are the foremost important roles to
take care of children and their eating habits. Parents can directly influence
to their children by the restriction of pocket money and the management of
children's meal. Since parents spend the most time together with their child, they parents have enough time to cook healthy foods at home. By cooking each meal,
it will prevent children from eating unhealthy foods. All parents want their child
to be healthy because they have the affection for their child. By The reduction
of pocket money can prevent children to spend on unhealthy foods. Although some
may argue that schools should have more responsibility than that of parents
because students spend majority of time at school however, the appropriate
methods provided by schools are limited. <(문단의 내용들은 좋으나 coherence/cohesion이 부족합니다)
Schools can only provide a campaign or
education program to teach students about unhealthy foods and its consequences.
Students are staying a at the certain amount of hours at school, and since
schools are having so many students in each class, it would be difficult to
physically control student's eating menus. Instead, schools can provide a
lesson to children about unhealthy diet. Schools can show a documentary about
the consequences of eating unhealthy foods, which affects the body internally
or teach students about malnutrition in those types of foods. For instance, schools
can provide the nutrition tables for each type of junk foods so that children
will know that whether their food is worth eating. <(이 문단도 coherence/cohesion이 조금 부족합니다. 또한 학교가 무엇을 할 수 있는지 없는지 외에 왜 학교가 mainly responsible하기에는 제한적인지 에 대해서 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. )
In conclusion, I strongly believe that, unhealthy diet should be the
parent's main responsibility, because children spend the most time at home and
parents have will have to cook each meal for their children. Schools, on the other
hand, can provide a lesson about unhealthy diet and consequences to ensure
children not to eat unhealthy foods.
Score: 6 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 답은 좋지만 전체적으로 cohesion/coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 내용의 연결성이 조금 떨어집니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |