▶ Your Answer :
It is disagreed that school should remove
any subjects from curriculum. <(It is disagreed이라고 해주시면 글쓴이의 주장 보다는 일반적인 주장으로 더 강하게 들리게 됩니다) Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that
the music and art can be used in other parts of learning processes and secondly,
discuss how students may get limited knowledge, followed by a reasoned
conclusion.
Music and art have helped children's
development in personality and psychology. These creative subjects are enabling
children to think creatively and critically. So, without those subjects
children will be limited with their brain development. By doing that <(doing what?), children
can solve a problem by using different approaches. For example, a mind map can
be used to see the general overview or the whole picture from the bird-eye's
view of the information technology and geography, whereas a rhythm or lyrics
can be used to memorise difficult computer coding or mathematic formulas or
historical events. These ways of approach is effective compared to simply memorising
or understanding the text from the textbooks. However, some may argue that the
students do not have enough time to focus on relevant and useful subjects. This
worry can be solved by the appropriate time schedules for each subject by
prioritising or ranking of importance.
Students see one side of the world and it
may lead them to think narrowly, which limit the creative thinking when they
learn the useful subjects. For example when students, who had studied only
computer science subjects, have to cooperate with the marketing department, they
cannot perform the task due to the lack of knowledge. However, if they have
learned the whole subjects, they may acquire how the marketing works does. The
children will be benefited by having knowledge in a bird-eye's view, because the
higher position people have to manage the whole department and the company. If
students have learned other creative subjects, it can be helpful with the
marketing project in the case of making a new product or designing for the new
package. Despite this, schools will choose what is the optimum choice for their
curriculum regardless with child's knowledge.
In conclusion, the enhancement of child's
development will be affected, and the limited knowledge is inevitable results
from learning selective subjects. Finally, it is recommended focusing on
creative subjects to help children to maximise capacities. Therefore, schools
should not remove any creative subjects from their curriculum.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |