영어 에세이 첨삭 부탁드립니다.
에세이 주제:
우리나라는 고령화가 빠르게 진행되고 있고 미래엔 세계에서 가장 고령화가 심각한 나라가 될 텐데 business sector에서 가장 큰 문제가 무엇이고 해결방안을 근거를 들어 제시하라.
It is a common belief that aging population is Korea’s biggest
challenging especially in economy sector. I think the most serious problem is
that manufacturing industries will be worst affected by declining work-age people
because manufacturing is the mainstay of our economy. It accounts for 30percent
of our GDP and is responsible for 90 percent of our exports. Also 4.5million
quality jobs come from manufacturing. Therefore, we should prepare for this
upcoming crisis.
To begin with, automatic systems in manufacturing industry are necessary to deal with these problems. This is important because shortage of labor population leads declining productivity. Therefore, both government and companies should invest technology of automatic systems in pants like smart factory akin to Germany’s Industries 4.0.
On top of that, it is important to develop new industries in
manufacturing focus on Bio, Future Mobility, and System Semiconductor. In addition,
our economy in steel, textile, chemistry also has to shift forwards knowledge-based
and higher value-added production.
To sum up, it is clear that aging society will bring out difficulty in
the manufacturing which making up big part in economy of Korea. Nevertheless,
innovation of manufacturing by automating systems and developing new industries
could be a solution.