The graph below shows the top priorities by
business companies in the USA in 2016. |
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The supplied
column graph indicates the most pivotal factors in five different categories by
commercial firms in the USA in 2016. (직원 수에 따라 구분되므로, 이러한 내용을 추가해주시는 게 좋습니다. 여기는 추가 후 댓글로 검사 받으세요!) All in
all, while converting contacts/leads to customers and the rising number of contacts/leads
are the top two priorities of the enterprises, saving the cost of
contact/lead/customer acquisition was the least vital element. (여기의 경우도 직원 수와 관계없이~라는 표현이 들어가야겠죠.) Of companies which have 0 to 25 workers, the proportion of converting contacts/lead to customers
and increasing number of contacts/leads shows the exact same, which stood at
71%. The third-highest largest per cent was increasing revenue derived from
existing customers (43%) which is followed by that of providing ROI of marketing,
whereas the column of cutting the cost was half less than that of increasing
revenue and it is the lowest figure among other groups of firms. Last but not
least, ??? As to enterprises
work with 26 to 200 employees, the figure of increasing number of contacts/leads
was the top priorities chosen 79% and it is closely trailed by that of converting
contacts/leads with 73%. The rate of increasing revenue and providing ROI of
marketing shows the exact same figure, 47%, which is the third-important element
and reducing the cost is 6% points more than that of the firms with 0-25
employees in the ratio. Considering
the firms which are contributed by 201 and more workers, although the figure
of converting contacts and increasing number of contacts depict 66% and 62%
respectively and each figure shows the lowest percentages among other groups, |
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[ 297 words] |
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Grammar |
Vocabulary |
Cohesion and Coherence |
Task Response |
8/9.0 |
8/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
최대한 줄이려고 했는데 잘 안되네요.
조언 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다.
총평: 제가 꽁치님께 기대한 정도로의 분석이 잘 된 편은 아니지만, 그래도 표현이 깔끔한지라 7.5 가량은 확보가 되겠습니다. 대신 말씀해주신대로 줄이는 게 관건이 되죠. 여러 내용을 담고자 하는 수험생들의 입장은 충분히 이해가 되나, 그게 오히려 독이 되는 경우가 대부분입니다. 고로 잘라내야한다 싶은 건 과감하게 잘라낼 수 있는 결단력이 필요합니다.
+지금 글의 경우 다른 방면에서의 분석여지도 있지만, 그걸 추가할 경우 안 그래도 긴 글이 더 길어지기 때문에 일부러 말씀드리지 않겠습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)