Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this statement?
In modern society, working as students who work without pay whether teenagers should be made to do unpaid community service (참고로, 패러프레이징의 경우 정확하게 하면 도움이 됩니다. 그렇지만 바꿔보려는데 뭔가 애매하다 싶으면 그냥 원문 그대로 가시는 게, 엉뚱하게 써서 틀리는 것보다 훨씬 낫습니다.) has been a heated issue of the public as well as the government. Some people say that teenagers do not need to do volunteer work work for unpaid while others think teenagers should do unpaid work in their free time. I believe that unpaid community work it has several benefits to students as well as the communities, in that it can help them prepare for society, and also reduce labor cost that preparing for the society and reducing the labor cost. In this essay, the reasons of the statement will be elaborated.
First of all, students can have various experiences of what the adults do and prepare for the future. This is because children can learn how to run the communities and interacting with other people. Kids can also get a sense of achievement if they completed their works. For instance, there are some courses in Korea for teenagers to help the social communities such as cleaning the roads or helping with the small tasks that they can do. As a result, children can get the know-how from the small communities which the schools do not teach.
Secondly, the communities can reduce the labor cost if the children work without pay as the meaning of the volunteering. As the labor cost is increasing, the communities such as civil servants are not employed do not employ in order to reduce the cost of labor so that many people who are already work for the communities have many things to offset the lack of workers. In this situations, even children cannot do the important tasks, they can help from the small things.
To sum up, it has many benefits that working as teenagers there are many benefits when teenagers work without pay. Students can broaden their eyes due to by exploring the adult’s world and communities also can reduce the labor cost. I believe that it both can help to students and social communities as well so it is they should be required to work unpaid for communities in their free time.
총평: (7/6/6/6) 6.5
저는 최대한 높게 봐서 6.5를 드리긴 했는데, 문법 때문에 6.0 주는 채점관이 더 많을 겁니다. 고로 이 부분에 있어서는 주의해주시고, 특히 서론에서 제가 파란색 부분을 통해 표시해드린 것과 같이, 최대한 완전하게 작성할 수 있도록 연습해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)