문제: Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now one big traffic jam.
How true do you think this statement is?
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?
Over the past 30 years, the number of people who own cars leaped dramatically, causing traffic congestion around urban areas. As traffic jam is one of the main concerns in cities, government measures are needed. I believe there will be a number of tactics that government can use to deal with this problem.
To begin with, government can set higher indirect taxes on cars through regulation.
When indirect taxes are high, the cost of the car will leap, making some people impossible to purchase cars. People will try to use other cheaper alternatives. For example, public transportation. Using buses, subways, and trains can reduce number of cars on the streets as they transports mass number of passengers at once. (이 문단은 싹 다 바꿔주셔야 하는데, 그 내용에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
Another approach that the government can take to discourage purchase of cars is to promoting the benefit of using a bicycle as transportation by running a campaign. There are many cycle tracks that are underused in cities. On the other hand, roads and main streets in urban areas are busy. By running a campaign, government can encourage cycling. For instance, they can open a cycling competition. Surprisingly, many people who dwell in cities show lot of interests towards sports competitions such as marathon, swimming, and cycling competition as they are huge competitions held in cities. When there are more competition related to cycling, people People may consider adapt cycling as something more common and friendly. (여기서 엔터 치지 않습니다. 참고로, 저 윗 문단의 첫 문장도 마찬가지에요.)
If more people are using use cycle tracks, less cars will appear on the streets, leading to the reduction of traffic jam.
To conclude, there are some approaches that the government can take in order to reduce purchase of cars. As traffic congestion is a rising issue which damages the cities, it is our responsibility to diminish the negative effects.
총평: (5/6/7/7) 6.5
지금 어휘+문법이 꽤나 깔끔한 상황이라, 내용상의 문제 때문에 7.0으로 올라가지 못한 점이 더더욱 아쉽습니다. 논제는 두 개가 묻고 있는데, 현재 글은 두 번째 질문에 대한 답만 하고 있어요. 첫 번째 질문인 How true do you think this statement is? 에 대한 답변을 본론1에 해주시면 됩니다.
라이팅에서 종종 이렇게 두 개의 질문을 묻는 경우가 나오는데, 이때 본론1에 1번 질문의 답을, 본론2에 2번 질문의 답을 차근차근 해주시면 됩니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)