▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, many a lot of unhealthy foods are
eaten by the majority of children, and some claims that this should be a responsibility for parents and schools. As I agree that many young children are
involved with eating too much unhealthy foods, however, I do not believe that
this has an equal responsibility in schools and parents. I believe that the
parents have the primary responsibility more than schools.
I agree with the statement that young
children nowadays eat too much unhealthy foods. There are several reasons for
children to eat unhealthy foods; cheap price, availability, convenience, and
taste. Majority of unhealthy foods contain malnutrition ingredients inside to
save its costs. These malnutrition ingredients tastes delicious and that is the
reason it to attracts children. As can be seen from the number of franchises for
McDonald’s, which holds the largest and the biggest stores in the world, are, it is located in every corner of the buildings in Korea. <Need better coherence> If a set menu of a burger would be
around $30 in a restaurant, students can pay for about $15 in McDonald's. In Compared to other meal's price, McDonald's meal is relatively cheap. Also, it
opens for 24/7 and it provides the delivery service, which allows capable the people
to order from outside or anywhere. Due to this convenience, children are easily
becoming the main customer for such a service and that has led to unhealthy
diet. Therefore, the reason for children eating unhealthy foods is due to their
convenience.
Then, who is responsible to take care of
children from eating unhealthy foods? <(에세이 안에서 질문을 하는 것은 추천하지 않습니다) Some critics claim that this
responsibility should be equally distributed to parents and schools; however I
believe that the parents should have more responsibility than that of schools.
The reason for this is, parents are more desperate than that of schools for
wanting the children to be healthy. Parents have the emotion of parenthood
which schools do not have, and parents will do everything to prevent their
child to be healthy unlike schools. Schools also cannot focus on each child
that as much as compared to parents since they have to cover a large number of
students. For example, the average class sizes in Korea’s public school are 40
students per class. To take care of children's eating habit is impossible to
monitor for school whereas parents can be easily managed by mainly restricting
the pocket money. Therefore, parents should be the primarily responsible to take
care of their children because to control their child's eating habit is easier
than schools to control whole classes of students.
In conclusion, it is true that many
children are eating unhealthy food and that trend is increasing every year.
This trend should be responsible by parents mainly because due to their desperateness
is more than that of schools.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 to what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement 에서 this statement는 아마 후자 와 전자 둘다 가 아닌 전자인 both parents and schools are equally responsible for solving this problem 에만 해당이 되는 것일겁니다. 그렇기 때문에 body 문단 둘다에 두 번째 statement에 대한 답을 focus를 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 또한 내용이 조금 wordy하게 들립니다. 조금 더 summarize를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |