Persistent deliberation is happening as to whether, how to teach children to become as good members of society. While some people would choose that parents are the best teachers for their children, others prefer school where is the best place to learn this. Considering both views, I feel that school is the more effective way to teach them.
For those who believe that the importances of parents have logical vases for their contention.<(sentence fragment) First of all, no one can more love children more than their parents. By upbringing their kids for many years, they can understand their sons and daughters' behaviours, emotion and feeling. In addition, they can <(they can what?) much better than education institutions, because parents know enough what their likes or dislikes are. It is the human instinct to have a responsibility to make their offspring to be healthier, happier and social.
However, there is are a more professional way to teach children. If you go to a school, you will find that there are many teachers who studied professional education about how to make young students being become rational adults. By using academic and scientific methods of schooling, tutors can educate effectively their students effectively. In addition, there are many facilities for pupils such as playgrounds and libraries etc. These various means are helpful and effective because it is sure that many pupils have different <(different what?) what they want to develop their own characters. Lastly, friendship is one of the most crucial socialising processes. When youngsters meet their peer groups in the school, they will be more involved into the society and feel a sense of belonging.
Undoubtedly, both expositions have sensible reasons. Nonetheless, personally, I am more convinced of the sensibility of the final contention that school is the best place to educate with many methods.
Score: 6.5
Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다 문법사 어순에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.