The pie graphs (여기 동사가 하나 들어가야합니다. 카카님 실력이면 알아서 넣으실 수 있을 거라 따로 건드리지는 않을게요.) the percentage of students who spoke other languages classified into six categories apart from English in the UK. This survey was conducted in 2000 and 2010. Overall, it can be seen that the highest proportion was seen in the category of 'Spanish only' (이것도 틀린 말은 아닙니다. 연도만 잘 넣으면요. 그러나 이 표 Overview의 경우 정석은 '2010년에는 2000년에 비해 최소 한 개 이상의 외국어를 할 수 있는 학생의 비율이 줄었다~' 라고 가는 게 좋습니다. 그러면 한 문장으로 표 전체를 커버할 수 있게 되죠.)
To begin with, in 2000, the noticeable figure was seen in a group which could speak spanish (카카님 실력이면 이런 거는 맞춰주셔야 합니다.) only, accounting for 30%. This was followed by ’no other language’, it which recorded less than a quarter. Interestingly, the proportions of pupils who were able to speak French and another language were an identical trend at 15%. Moreover, as well as ‘German only’ and ‘two other languages’ also had exactly the same proportion at 10%.
Turning to 2010, there was a slight increase in ‘Spanish only’ which presented at 35%. As for the percentages of ‘another language’ and ‘two other languages’, they showed the similar tendency to the earlier mentioned sector where the former was 20% and the latter was 15% respectively. In contrast, the proportions of French speakers and those who did not speak other languages depicted an inversely proportional pattern at 10% and that of ‘German only’ remained at 10% during the period.
감사합니다 ㅎㅎ
Grammar 6/9.0
Vocabulary 7/9.0
Cohesion and Coherence 7/9.0
Task Response 6/9.0
6.5
총평: 절대적으로 틀린 건 없었으나, 다른 7점 목표하는 학생들과 마찬가지로 카카님의 이번 글도 패러프레이징이 거의 안 되어있는 상황입니다. 문장들이 죄다 the ~ of ~~ 로만 쓰여있기 때문에 꽤나 단조롭죠. (참고로, propoprtion을 percentage로만 바꾼다고 해서 패러프레이징이 되는 게 아닙니다.)
35% of the given students were able to speak Spanish only~~ 이런 식으로 문장 구조 자체를 확 다양화해주셔야 해요. 이거는 하나의 예시일 뿐이고, 이 외에도 수많은 방법이 존재합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)