People are living longer than they used to.
Why do you think is happening?
is this a positive or negative trend?
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The rapid increase in life expectancy today is regarded as the greatest achievement of society. This can be attributed to many factors, including improvements in public health, nutrition and health care. And (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) this may be an undesirable trend or a desirable trend.
Meanwhile (audxogud님 실력을 고려했을 때 여기는 단순 실수일 겁니다.), many countries are facing an increase in the elderly population. The main drawback of the elderly population is the increase in pension and medical expenses. The increase in the proportion of the elderly in the population asks the question of how best to provide funds to the elderly after retirement. As one question, an increase in the number of senior citizens means that more pensions should be paid, which in turn results in increased costs for the government and tax increases for taxpayers. In addition, the elderly are exposed to numerous infectious diseases, and the increase (increase가 벌써 너무 많이 쓰이고 있네요.) in the number of elderly people who are sick may put pressure on medical facilities and the supply of facilities may not keep up with the demand. (이 문단은 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
Meanwhile, an increase in the number of elderly people in the population brings about an increase in the number of volunteers in terms of economy. This was confirmed as an overall advantage when the elderly provided free labor for community and government projects after retirement. Also, the elderly have more experience than the young because they have lived for a long time. In this case, the elderly are very helpful in protecting the nation's morals and values according to their own experience. Older people are essential to teach good traditions and lifestyles in longevity because they know better about the culture and lifestyle of the group than young people.
In conclusion, people today live longer with advances in medicine and technology. However, while there are advantages of the elderly population, the disadvantages cannot be ignored.
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요번엔 소요시간을 측정못했어요.. 아마 50분 정도 된거같아요... 문장이 생각이 안나더라구요..
그리고 요번에 긍정과 부정을 하나만 고르지 않고 두개를 한문단씩 나눠서 써봤습니다.
항상 첨삭 감사합니다!
총평: (5/7/7/7) 6.5
일정 부분 오프토픽이긴 하지만, 다른 부분들이 깔끔해서 어느정도 점수는 매꿨네요. (대신 50분 오버된 걸 생각하면 여기서 0.5점 정도는 까고 보셔야 합니다.)
논제가 묻고 있는 것은 두 가지가 있으므로, 이를 각각 하나의 문단에 배분해주시면 됩니다. 고로 본론1에는 원인을, 본론2에는 긍정적인지 부정적인지를 다뤄주시면 돼요.
수고하셨습니다 :)