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<Topic> One of the consequences of improved medical care is
that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.
Do you think the advantages of this
outweigh the disadvantages?
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These
days, there is an ongoing debate that developed medical support is imperative.
Although some people insist that increasing life expectancy and make making elderly
people live longer are indispensable as one of the national benefits for vulnerable
people, I personally believe the drawbacks of enhanced medical technology overshadow
its benefits. In this essay, the supportive ideas will be discussed alongside
my viewpoint.
It is true
that there are arguments in favor of improving people’s life expectancy. In a
humanitarian way, medical experts are expected to put all their efforts to the
patients to revive their lives. In addition, along with the flourish technologies,
the medical technology developed tremendously. Although we We are still not able to resuscitate
passed away patients though, human beings are now about to conquer cancer,
AIDS and dementia. Nonetheless, these technologies have rendered the explosive
growth of global population, subsequently, the phenomenon occurs the scarcity
of food. Since the food productivity still has limits due to the limitation of land but the developed medical care such as vaccine and personal hygiene campaign
ramped up the global population. (이 문장은 살짝 꼬인 것 같은데 댓글 한번 주세요!) Hence, the lack of food became the international
crisis, especially, for the undeveloped countries.
What
is more, increased life expectancy may slump the productivity of nations. it It is a well-known fact that the majority number of elderly people do not work
or pay tax, whereas they are needed to be paid by working age people to
support them. Elderly Because elderly people need not only care but also their insurance
and national benefits to maintain their health and live longer, however, they
do not financially contribute themselves to the nation and they are required to
be helped. Moreover, as senior citizens’ destitution is one of great concerns
of many nations, escalated life expectancy without wealthiness may decline the
quality of elderly people’s daily lives. This lies in the reason that (기존 표현은 비문이라 바꿔드렸습니다.) Since their insurance fees might overshadow
other payments for the necessities in their life such as food, shelter, and clothes.
In
condensation, although the prosperity of medical care conveys innumerable positive
impacts to human beings, I would like to ventilate that the climbed life
expectancy might be the burden to the working age population and it also may occur
the global shortage of food owing to the flared up population in the world.
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[ 375 words]
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Grammar
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Vocabulary
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Cohesion and Coherence
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Task Response
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8/9.0
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8/9.0
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7/9.0
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8/9.0
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총평: 전체적으로 봤을 때에는 매우 잘 써주시긴 했는데, 중간중간에 흐름상 끊기는 사항들이 있어서 이 부분에 관해서만 조금 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)