Many children are forced to stay at school and study subjects that will be of little value to them in the furure. These children may disrupt the education of the majority and should be allowed to leave school early to find themselves a job.
What are your views?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
In the these years, many students are resisted made to go school for studying subjects which they might think they will not use the knowledges for the remainder last of their lives, such as science and maths. However those primary education is compulsory to young whether they want it or not.
Firstly, higher education helps them (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다.) to get better opportunities. In recent years, it is obvious to that people who had advanced knowledges are more likely to get a higher income job, compared with others who do would not. Science and IT industries are common examples, which are rapidly growing industries in real life, such as developing computer program and inventing new technology like AI program. Nowadays, the companies, which are famous and well known to us, are extremely competitive to scout those experts that have experience and knowledge. It is obvious that these experts are more likely to gain high education after they finished their compulsory education.
The young students, furthermore, are immature to make right decision. It is obvious that although they considered advantages and disadvantages of leaving out of school, they are too young to have right sight of the rough reality. Education is basic way to learn the real world which is why most of the countries found 12 years primary education aw well strongly recommended to their students who will be its future. Most of the teenagers have been protected by their parents and school, as well as they could not realize themselves are too delicate.
In conclusion, many of students have an urge hold their studies and learn that hey truly wan to learn because they don't feel the curriculum is not useful and even unnecessary for their future, however, as it means students are under- age which means too young to make right decision. (이렇게 끝내버리면 비문입니다. '그러나 ~를 의미하기 때문에 학생들이 학교를 일찍 떠나게 허용되어서는 안 된다.' 로 적어주셔야 완전한 문장이 돼요.) Additionally, It it is obvious that highly educated people are more likely to get higher income than who had not. Staying in school and studying is strongly required for students and their futures.
단어수 322
걸린시간 35분정도 걸렸는데 종이에 써서 옮길때 조금 고쳐서 40분 언저리로 걸린것 같아요.
목표는 each 7.0 입니다.
정말 오랜만에 쓴거라서 잘 모르겠네요. sentence structure와 grammer, vocab 사용 위주로 평가 해주시면 감사하겠습니다. 제 글 중에서 눈에 딱 걸리는게 뭘까요?
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
일단 문장력을 보니 어느정도 영어 실력은 있으신 것 같습니다. 대신 간만에 쓰신 거라 자잘한 오류가 늘어낙 것 같기도 하고요. 결론에서처럼 문장이 비문 되는 일은 피해주시고, 또한 문장을 적을 때 절대로 복잡한 문장 구조 등을 보여주겠다는 욕심 없이, 그냥 최대한 간결하게 쓰겠다는 의식을 바탕으로 한번 작성해보세요!
그래도 위에서 말씀드렸듯이 영어 실력은 준수하신 편이라, 감만 찾으시면 적어도 Task2에서는 크게 문제없이 7.0은 받으실 것 같습니다. (task1은 전혀 별개의 대상입니다.)
수고하셨습니다 :)